+ Click for EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

---

DISCLAIMER: This text is the output of AI based transcribing from an audio recording. Although the transcription is largely accurate, in some cases it is incomplete or inaccurate due to inaudible passages or transcription errors and should not be treated as an authoritative record. Nothing that you read here constitutes advice medical or otherwise. Always consult with a healthcare professional before making changes to a healthcare plan.

Scott Benner 0:00
Hello, everyone, and welcome to Episode 435 of the Juicebox Podcast. Today's show is with a type one named Josh. Josh has married has two children. One of them has type one diabetes, and he's concerned that another diagnosis may be on its way. This show is sponsored today by the glucagon that my daughter carries. g evoke hypo Penn Find out more at G Vogue glucagon.com forward slash juice box. This episode is also sponsored by the Contour Next One blood glucose meter. Arden's been carrying the Contour Next One for a couple of years now. And it is the most accurate, easiest to carry and easiest to use blood glucose meter that she has ever had. Find out more at Contour Next one.com forward slash juice box.

I think this episode is exceptionally emotional. Josh is going to be incredibly honest about a number of things going on in his life. And that's going to lead to a very real conversation. As a matter of fact, he's reached out since we've recorded just last week, and sent me an update which I'll put at the end, so it doesn't mess up the timeline of the story. Please remember while you're listening, that nothing you hear on the Juicebox Podcast should be considered advice, medical or otherwise, always consult a physician before making any changes to your health care plan. or becoming bold with insulin. With this tiny little bit of time that I have left before the music runs out, I'd like to remind you to find the podcast on Instagram. It's at Juicebox Podcast on Facebook at bold with insulin, and the private Facebook group, which now has nearly 9000 members we're talking about all kinds of stuff with Type One Diabetes, that one's Juicebox Podcast, type one diabetes, check it out.

Josh 2:19
My name is Josh Toby and I am a type one diabetic. I live here in Texas. I have some signal loss in my Dexcom we actually just changed the Dexcom for my daughter who is also a type one diabetic. Okay.

Unknown Speaker 2:36
How old is she?

Josh 2:37
She is six years old.

Scott Benner 2:40
Okay, how old were you when you were diagnosed?

Josh 2:43
Six years old.

Scott Benner 2:44
When she just diagnosed this year,

Josh 2:46
she was diagnosed one week shy of her six year birthday. She was diagnosed when she was five. Okay, middle of November.

Scott Benner 2:53
I feel like for the purposes of good story, we should just say she was six.

Josh 2:57
Okay. Yeah. So she you know, it's it's just strange that she had a lot of the same symptoms when she was diagnosed that, that at least the stories that I heard about myself, were that were both, you know, six years old. And but she took it, you know, a lot better than I did when I was six, back in 1991.

Scott Benner 3:24
Is that your recollection of how you took it? Or is that from the stories people tell you about how you took it?

Josh 3:30
I think it's more my recollection. I don't know if I know. I don't think my mom has really told me many stories about how I how I took it rather than just how things were okay. You know, and just maybe a little bit memory of you know, this this first year or two of adjusting to, to everything.

Scott Benner 3:53
Yeah, well, so, I mean, you're 32 six. So while ago What are we talking about the 90s 9191 Okay. So what was your recollection of it? Since you have some I'm always fascinated when people remember anything from their early life. So

Josh 4:10
you know, I remember going to the hospital and getting the blood sugar. I don't remember stain and, and I I wish I had asked my mom if we did stay overnight, but I don't. I don't remember any of that. I just remember really high blood sugar. It was actually on Mother's Day weekend. My mom did tell me that we I had a baseball game that morning. And Previous to that baseball game she had talked to like our pediatrician and and with the symptoms. And she was like, yeah, I'm pretty sure it's diabetes, so take him in. But she didn't want to interrupt my baseball game. So we went up after the baseball game, and after lunch after the baseball game. My mom's a nurse by the way. So she of course recognized a lot of the symptoms that were happening, but at the same time Just like, you know, they say you only get a paragraph and a half about Type One Diabetes when you're in nursing school so she had a lot to learn of. I think it's a interesting, my main symptom was the was just pain everywhere, just constantly paying and, and drinking so much milk before bed that that morning at the baseball game, apparently I had to go so bad. I was in the outfield. And so I just walked back into the trees peed came back, you

Scott Benner 5:33
know what I was just gonna say, and this is I'm gonna I'll let out a little bit of truth here right now I was on a baseball field last night watching my son play and peeing in the trees at a baseball field is about as American as apple pie pickup trucks than anything else that you can possibly think of. It is. It is, it just is how it's done.

Josh 5:56
When you're, and when you're six years old, you get put in the outfield, maybe because you're not the fastest or something like that. And maybe I don't want to insult anybody that's in the outfield at age six. But that's why I was out there. Okay. And, and we, I just felt like, also at age six, not a lot of balls went out to the outfield. So I had a lot of time on my hands right

Scott Benner 6:20
out there thinking about life and bug and the flowers. I saw a boy one time get entranced by a moth in a night game, you know, like sometimes they let the little kids play at night under the lights once or twice to give them the feeling of it and he just wandered after it like he was so just absolutely enchanted by it. And he couldn't and everybody just let him be it like you said that age. Nobody's hit the ball out there anyway. But it's it's uh, it's not uncommon. I don't think did you keep up with with baseball as you got older?

Josh 6:56
No, I went from a car. It was soccer before baseball, then it was baseball, then it was basketball. And but I would probably count baseball is one of my more watched sports. You're not much of a sports person. But yeah, baseball is something calming about it.

Scott Benner 7:12
Well, I'll tell you, you know, made me think and I know there's no real way to do this, because it's always gonna be so long ago for people. But I find myself thinking there is an episode in talking to someone's parent. Only about the time from when they realized the kid had diabetes. Until they took them to the hospital and what they fought and tried to accomplish like how much life they tried to get into that space in between those two moments. I imagine your mom just thinking like, let him finish the game. And then I'll take him to lunch, we'll do something normal and then I'll break his heart and drag him to the hospital. Right. You know,

Josh 7:51
yeah, the the embarrassing story about that is that my mom wanted to go to the hospital right after the game, but my dad was very insistent on going out to a steak house and getting a big a big lunch. Which, you know, she of course was worried about me and my blood sugar after a big lunch. So

Scott Benner 8:10
was he just worried about being hungry at the hospital? Maybe?

Josh 8:13
I don't know. I don't know. I didn't ask my dad. always remembers this is me pain on the on the Legos in in our in our game room. So that was the other domain.

Unknown Speaker 8:25
No kidding. Yeah.

Scott Benner 8:27
You feel like you have to aim at something. Right? Like on the floor would be ridiculous. But the Legos on the floor seems reasonable.

Josh 8:36
I of course, I don't remember any of that. That's the sleepwalking out of it. And then just the just getting constant pain. So yeah, it's crazy.

Scott Benner 8:44
So okay, so you're diagnosed? How do you from your recollection to your experience with your daughter? Do you see any similarities or differences?

Unknown Speaker 8:56
Oh, man.

Josh 9:00
The similarities would be, at least in her personal experience. The only similarity I would think would be you know, the nurses still wear scrubs, and they take your blood sugar with a ridiculously sized meter. Other than

Scott Benner 9:18
that, it's all new, right?

Josh 9:19
Pretty much I mean, I mean, I don't know what was in my mom's head. I can, you know, I can imagine. She's a very emotional person and she'll be listening to this but she knows she is. And so I can just I can imagine there because there was so much unknown for me. And there still was, you know, 10 years after I was diagnosed. But when, when. So what happened, my daughter started they would have the normal but not very much. You know, maybe pee in the, in the, in the bed when they were younger. But at five, you know, she had she had a couple years of not doing that. But every time she would, my mind would start racing. So then she started getting up one night and was, you know, wandering around, and I took her to the restroom. Okay, that's one night. And then it happened again the next night. And my, my heart was starting to break. And I said, Okay, after the second night, if this happens a third night, I'm going to test your blood sugar in the morning. And, sure enough, she went, she did the same thing the next night and tested the blood sugar in the morning. And she was 456. And, you know, of course, not everybody has those sorts of abilities to do that. I hadn't, I had, I had 20 meters probably in my house. You know, I could have given her insulin right there. But you know, not not really what you're supposed to do. And, and because of that, you know, we didn't really know what to do. We're like, okay, I don't feel like she needs to go to the ER, she's not. She was complaining a little bit of stomach issues. Like she didn't want to eat stomach issues. But wasn't really, it wasn't really much anything else. And so, we could be called around to the primary and of course, the primaries doing the CIA and saying go to the ER, everybody's saying go to the ER, finally. So finally, after probably a few more blood sugar tests, just to make sure, you know, basically dose here and alcohol swabs and make sure that it is time we did that. So the experience the experience, I was saying about the unknown My my, for my mom, it was all this unknown. And for me, it was a flood of known who knew

Scott Benner 11:59
exactly what was coming. Yeah,

Josh 12:01
I yeah. And and so did my wife. My mom's a nurse, I married a nurse, I always have to keep a nurse nearby. And, and so she knew what was going on, because she'd been married to me too. And but she didn't. Like, you know, no one kind of knew what was in my head because I was reliving my childhood. Yeah. But like you asked, there's what was different? It turns out everything was different, right?

Scott Benner 12:30
Your childhood is gonna be completely different come in many ways, but specifically about diabetes than yours was. And that's it. Did that become comforting at some point? or How long did it take for that comfort to creep in?

Josh 12:45
It became comforting at some point, let's see.

Unknown Speaker 12:50
It probably took

Josh 12:52
maybe two, two weeks, two to four weeks after everybody under the sun telling me about how I did a good job catching it early. How isn't it good that you already know what to do? All this stuff? I'm I'm really thick. So I just it takes time to get through to me?

Scott Benner 13:15
Well, no, I would say Josh in fairness to you. It's not that simple, right? Like it is. It's it's academically that simple. Those things are all true. And they are definitely things you can lean on. And it's but it's emotional, first of all. And secondly, it's not fair. It's not what you hoped for. It's not what you planned for. It's, it's all of those things. And it's hard. You're young guy, right? I mean, if she's six and you're 32 What are you? What are you? 2026? When when the 30 fat? Excuse me? 3434 excuse me, so I was 28 years old. Couldn't get married that long, right? Yeah, no,

Josh 13:51
actually. Let's see. We got married when I was 19. No, 19 I think so. Okay.

Scott Benner 14:02
It was legal. You didn't steal or something like that? No,

Josh 14:04
we've been married for 13 years. I math. I don't know. We don't worry. We've been married for 13 years,

Scott Benner 14:09
you're married. You're building a family. You're dealing with your own health stuff because you have diabetes. You know, you get a house you think I'm gonna make a baby, this is gonna be a thing. Here's what's gonna happen you plan it out in your life at no point when you're planning out in your life. Do you think you know she's gonna get type one even though you had it? I don't. I don't think you plan for it. You know what I mean?

Josh 14:28
Right. And, and and in some ways, we sort of kind of you know, did I have heard people talk to you about like, you know, and you talk to you know, I listen to podcasts all the time. And what's the basis basically by Sam, you know about talking about Okay, you still gonna have kids yada yada yada if? And, and I mean, the answer was always Yes. But we went to we went to a when we got pregnant with I have three kids. So I I have a nine year old. This isn't we're talking about my middle one, which is six and my two year old. We went to a genetic console to talk about this and and something else. But they said, because I have nobody else in my family. I don't know anybody. Right? That's a tough one. I mean, up until, you know, like this listening to this podcast, I still don't really know anybody, you know, but now it's more of a community. And that was me growing up to just, you know, throw that in there. It's so it's I forgotten where I was going with this. Okay, you're

Scott Benner 15:41
you're upset at the moment, which is, yeah, understandable. And I don't want to push it too far.

Josh 15:47
As sensitive. I'm a sensitive boy. Well,

Scott Benner 15:49
I have to say, Josh, I am too. This could turn into two guys crying on a podcast. I'm trying to keep that from happening.

Josh 15:57
But I was saying about looking for the diet. Like, we were gonna have a baby, we were gonna, we were gonna do that I wasn't, you know, there was no. To me, but to me, they gave me enough assurances that it is not likely. Because I and I feel like, I don't know this for certain, but I feel like at that time, they didn't, maybe they weren't quite sure of the links, that they are pretty sure of now, you know, that the genetic modifier that gives you a an autoimmune disease, though it's a spin of the wheel. Which one? Right? So if they had known that they would have known, you know, my, I had, I have hypo thyroidism, my mom does, you know, and all these other things that, you know, you know, everybody gets to spin the wheel. Yeah. And I also have something called alpha one antitrypsin deficiency. Have you heard of that?

Scott Benner 16:50
No, but let's take a tour and find out what that is. Please,

Josh 16:54
alpha one. Okay, so I'm gonna do my best here, because I don't really know it either. I feel like I'm single. So go ahead, go for it. Yeah, Google, Google. And the probably the best thing is to image search it because it needs the images. My understanding is trypsin is one of those body juices that helps almost kind of keep your organs oiled and working and protected. And so trypsin is made in the liver. And I believe, and then it's supposed to also help the lungs. So it's supposed to go up to the lungs and help with that. And so with alpha one antitrypsin when you're young, they are checking your liver and your lungs to make sure that it's, it's helpful. Okay, and that are that you have that you don't have any deficiencies or anything like that. I always thought it was a really good excuse for my mom to say you can't smoke and you can't drink. But,

Scott Benner 17:53
you know, so she knew does she have this to

Josh 17:56
know she does not have this? Okay. So this is

Scott Benner 17:58
her to condition. So if somebody has it, right,

Josh 18:01
it is a inherited condition. Both of my parents are carriers. So that's the positive are my capital are negative. What is it? Well, do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, dominant, recessive, dominant and recessive. Okay, so then they made they made my brother he is. I don't know what he is. He might be a carrier. Then I so here's the sad part. I should have a sister that is two years older than me. But she died from alpha one antitrypsin deficiency, or she died from needing a kidney or liver transplant, okay. My mom's gonna hate me for not knowing that. liver is

Scott Benner 18:46
what I think is a liver transplant. Like your mom's gonna help you but but I know

Josh 18:50
that. But um, they couldn't find one. And as you guys I want to use when she died when she was about one.

Unknown Speaker 18:59
Oh, my goodness.

Josh 19:00
And so then, for some reason, my parents decided to, to have me and and of course, when I'm born, they ice is gonna get trippy. When I when I was born, they they tested me and my brother, you know, for the for the deficiency. And when they drew the blood, they accidentally drew from my brother's vial both times.

Unknown Speaker 19:28
Okay.

Josh 19:29
So I was negative.

Scott Benner 19:31
He was negative. So they thought you were negative? No. Is there a care that you missed out on for not knowing?

Josh 19:38
Not any preventative care? I don't believe so. Yeah, but I started getting a little bit sick when I was a baby. And so my mom who actually remember she's a nurse, so she she wrote some sort of journal article about it about f1 way back in the day and stuff and and so she she recognized it and they went back and they retested and I am positive You know, and so then they eventually figured out that that must have been what happened. My mom, then, you know, and and I, you know, there's there's a higher power, or something out there that made that happen because my mom said that, if she knew that I was positive detachment, I mean, how can I mean, she would have felt like, she's already been to death of a child, you know? And so. So yeah, I had, I don't think I got a little bit sick, but nothing that, you know, obviously happened to my sister and but what we have come to find out now 30 years later, is trips in their league linking the amount of that, that a lot of type one diabetics have a lower amount of trypsin in their body, I guess, okay, remember, I'm, I'm not really a sciency guy,

Scott Benner 21:02
don't worry, I'm hanging with you good.

Josh 21:05
So that trypsin isn't is you know, not just lungs and liver, it's helping oil, all of the organs and protect all the organs and making, you know, making maybe those white blood cells work better, which actually, I guess would be a bad thing. But, you know, just making things work better. And. And so we found this out probably shoot four or five months ago, five or six months ago, right around the time that I saw you at, in Dallas, J jdrf. And that just blows my mind. So my alpha one antitrypsin that I've had for all my life, interacted with whatever virus caused that, that gene to finally you know, pop and start my auto immune attack on my pancreas, right, that causes in my diabetes, and new diabetes, of course, causes a whole bunch of other stuff. Wow,

Scott Benner 22:13
did you? Wow, I'm gonna soak that in for a second. Did you have hypothyroidism prior to diabetes or after?

Josh 22:21
After after? I mean, I might have, they didn't. They didn't? Well, they didn't give me any meds on it for it until like, when I was 22, or something like that.

Scott Benner 22:33
You started noticing? Like, what was it? Like? What got you for the hypo? Was it. Energy sleep?

Josh 22:41
No, actually, I didn't. I didn't know anything. Oh, it was my my. I mean, I was I was tired. You know, 20 year old, you know, call master student at that point.

Unknown Speaker 22:55
Tired, right?

Josh 22:56
Yeah. Right. No, it was just my I've been presented with these things with that. Cholesterol stuff. I guess not that one, but the cholesterol and, and heart medicine as a preventative. As a Hey, your body's being taxed by diabetes, you should take this to help to help those those out. Right.

Scott Benner 23:18
And so that a lot, actually, the people take cholesterol medications, like things that that you would normally take, if you were approaching or having a problem. Sometimes they think it is preventative, right?

Josh 23:28
Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And that's what I've been told. I know, sometimes my cholesterol can be a little bit off, but I have chickens, and I eat a lot of eggs. So I'm not going to stop that.

Scott Benner 23:41
Well, what are the chickens gonna do with the eggs? If you don't eat them? They would turn into more chickens. Now what would you do

Josh 23:46
now? Well, we don't have we don't have a rooster. We don't have a rooster. Yeah. So maybe they would start they would try to make them into into little chickens, but they would fail. And yeah, I tried

Scott Benner 24:00
to get you to say something. So we could call the episode cockadoodledoo. But I guess we're not gonna get there. So that's fine. Don't worry. Oh, no, no, you can even say, let's not force the issue. So I have to be honest with you. And since I guess, you know, it's not you know, the, the alpha one antitrypsin deficiency does not seem like a fun thing to have. Are you feeling the effects of it? or How is it? I

Josh 24:25
don't think so. No, I really don't think so. I am and I am. I have I have offered myself to a lot of different studies done by pharmaceuticals or whoever, right for that. But because I have never been symptomatic. They don't ever take me I saw one that they were actually looking for. No one was looking for someone with no symptoms. They wouldn't take me because I have diabetes. So I think I'm thinking like in three or four years that they're going to have something where they're actually looking for diabetics. But I could be wrong. Okay. Yeah, I don't know. I don't really know what besides you know, death of my my sister. I don't really know what happens with trypsin Alpha one.

Scott Benner 25:13
It's fascinating. I mean, it's I'm on the NIH website here people with alpha one antitrypsin deficiency, we usually develop our signs and symptoms of Did you step on that dog have lung disease between ages of 20 and 50. By the way, let's just digress for a second, I bet you cannot find another podcast while during the reading of a serious disease. Someone jokes about stepping on a dog the earliest symptoms are shortness of breath following mild activity, reduced ability to exercise wheezing. Other signs and symptoms can include unintentional weight loss, recurring respiratory infections fatigue, rapid heartbeat upon standing. affected individuals often develop emphysema, which is a lung disease caused by damage to the small air sacs in the lungs the halophila characteristics features excuse me characteristic features of emphysema. By hacking we know emphysema. About 10% of infants with alpha type one develop liver disease, which often causes what jaundice apparently, approximately 15% of adults with alpha one, develop liver damage cirrhosis due to the formation of scar tissue in the liver signs of cirrhosis both on rare cases people with alpha one develop a skin condition which is characterized by hardening skin and painful lumps or patches. Well, holy crap. That I

Unknown Speaker 26:36
don't think I've

Scott Benner 26:38
I mean, I'm glad you don't have it. But I mean, I'm the you don't have symptoms of it.

Josh 26:42
Yeah, I mean, I'm now I'm like wondering like, okay, so when my firstborn was jaundiced a little bit he didn't have to stay any any. But it was jaundice did my mom properly It was like, you know, that's, you know, triggering and your poor mother.

Scott Benner 27:00
And I looked at trypsin, too, because you specifically talked about, it's a serum, this doesn't make any sense. I could read these words and understand them. But you're saying Who told you that people would type one can have less trypsin?

Josh 27:17
It's some sort of study, I could probably my wife is the smart one of us. And so she's and so she found it and read it, and I can I can send it to you after this. I will put

Scott Benner 27:28
it in the show notes if you send it and I know she's the smart one because you stepped on the dog sitting down. So that's, um, so I would I'd like to add that to it. And, you know, just so people can can follow along if they want to. Okay, so, holy Hannah. So how old were you when you realized you had this? Because one, yeah.

Josh 27:50
I mean, I was probably one or two. Okay, maybe three when I'm when? When my mom took me in or whenever I got sick.

Scott Benner 27:57
From around there. Okay, so it was a birthday check. No, obviously, yes. And then a little while later, okay. Okay. Why don't we go back to something more upbeat like Type One Diabetes first?

Unknown Speaker 28:12
Yeah, there we go. Yeah.

Josh 28:14
So yeah, we I mean, well, back to that genetics appointment. You know, they they tested? My wife. Yeah, it doesn't actually this was after my brother, my son was born, but they tested my wife. And they found out that she is recessive recessive. So none of my children are going to have alpha one. But they're all going to be carriers. Okay. Well, listen

Scott Benner 28:36
at this point in history, Josh, we're all carriers, apparently.

Josh 28:40
Right. Yeah. Oh, so you know, you know, we're talking about current event history COVID attacks your lungs. You don't see them? You know, talking about all those people with alpha one antitrypsin that, that the COVID is going to be even worse for you. When then on top of the type one diabetes. Yeah, that's because like, nobody has off went on trips, and it's very rare. My understanding. So all my kids will be carriers. And they there's, I guess there's research, I don't know if it's the same research that my wife read that even as a carrier, sometimes you will have lower levels than not like, you know, out of the abdomen or out of the normal but just lower right.

Unknown Speaker 29:23
Okay, so,

Josh 29:24
hey, maybe maybe that's what happened. You know, and, and I think during those first two to four weeks of my daughter's diagnosis, I kept on going back of like, why, you know, of course, it's, you know, I still I still battle with the idea that it's my fault because I'm pretty sure I mean, come on.

Scott Benner 29:54
Je Volk hypo pan has no visible needle, and it's the first premixed auto injector glucagon for very low blood sugar and adults and kids with diabetes ages two and above. Not only is chivo hypo pen simple to administer, but it's simple to learn more about, all you have to do is go to G Vogue glucagon.com forward slash juicebox g vo shouldn't be used in patients with insulinoma or pheochromocytoma. Visit g Vogue glucagon.com slash risk.

Why don't we ever wonder what blood glucose meter we have? We just take the one that doctor gives us the one the insurance company says is okay, but we never think is it the most accurate? Does affordability and accuracy? Do they have to be competing? Can I get an affordable, accurate meter. If I never thought to look into these things? Well, luckily for you, I have looked into them. And that's why I'm here today telling you about the Contour Next One blood glucose meter. And it is at least worth your time to look into Contour Next one.com forward slash juicebox. They have test trip programs, it's possible that you could be eligible for a free meter, it's possible that your insurance company will cover it, it's possible that the meter will be less expensive if you pay out of pocket with cash than it would be for another meter through your insurance company. These are a lot of possibilities. And all of them can be looked into further at Contour Next one.com forward slash juicebox. The Contour Next One meter is easy to use, easy to hold. It has a bright light for nighttime viewing. And darn it, it has Second Chance test strips, which means you can go in touch the blood not getting off and go back again, without without decreasing the accuracy of your blood glucose test. Check them out. There are links to all the sponsors at Juicebox Podcast comm or right there in the show notes of the podcast player that you're listening in. And if you're not listening in a podcast player, please do. And if you are and you haven't subscribed, hit subscribe. Thanks so much. I appreciate your time. Let's get you back to Josh.

Josh 32:36
I still battle with the idea that it's my fault, because I'm pretty sure I mean, come on.

Scott Benner 32:42
You think the diabetes came through your bloodline? But that's not fun. All right, Josh, let's take it let's take a detour for a second cuz I watched my wife do this for years. And everyone knows who's married. You can't? You can't listen, you're not allowed to tell your wife thinks. I don't know why. It's just the rule of like, you know the universe. So here's how I'll put it. I got a message last night, from a mother of a child with type one who's doing a terrific job with their kid. And she's come a really long way in a short time. But her messages are panicky. And so I said to her, can we talk like friends for a second? She said, Sure. And I said, Good. You gotta calm down. Like, just relax. I said, you're doing terrific. I know you want to be doing better. And but you're doing terrific. You have to calm down. And she said, Oh, my husband keeps saying that. I was like, why are you not listening to him? When he tells you you need to calm down and she goes, I don't like it when he tells me that I was like, yeah, I'm not allowed to tell my wife to calm down either said, but I love that I was able to tell it to you. It's very freeing, because I need to be told to calm down. Sometimes I'm not saying it like a gender way like, you know, lady with vapers. I'm just saying that sometimes people get an idea caught in their head, and they just can't let go of it. And I wish I could have found a way in that moment with my wife while she was blaming herself because there are autoimmune issues on her side of the family. I just kept saying it's not your fault. It's no one's fault. It's random. It's you know, how could you be at fault here and she would never listen to me. And I wish I could have just told her. You know, like I was a person outside of her because I think if someone could have just told her instead of me, she would have accepted it better. So this is my chance, Josh to make the world a better place. You got to calm down, man and ain't your fault. Okay. You didn't do it? You know,

Josh 34:33
it's, uh, it's one of those things where you can point at all the science and it's, it's, it's something it doesn't affect me day to day but it Yeah, it's something that I feel. I know. And that, you know, talking about like, okay, alpha one maybe maybe causing or helping to cause type one diabetes, and then type one diabetes and all those side effects that come from that and that's one of those is major depression. I was doing diagnosed with major depression. Okay, this summer, June I think it was before she was diagnosed. So last June. So I'm,

Unknown Speaker 35:09
when did we meet?

Josh 35:11
We met after she was diagnosed, and this year, January, February, whenever that was fine. I

Scott Benner 35:17
don't want to be blamed for this depression is what I'm saying, like is meeting me can throw people into a into a tailspin. So, okay, well, we'll pick this apart a little bit. So you were your daughter hadn't been diagnosed yet. You've been living with diabetes for a long time. So my first question is, Do you find it difficult to live with type one?

Josh 35:41
I find it difficult to, um, I find it difficult to live with the effects of type one. Okay.

Scott Benner 35:51
Which one's

Josh 35:52
picking? You know, picking that apart? Because when I was growing up, I was not a good diabetic. And I just you know, when you're at that time, it was NPH. And are you had to give the AR 30 minutes before you had to wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. And then Okay, this is my plate, I get to have bell pepper because there's always bell pepper because there's no carbs in it, and just need something. And I can have 45 carbs for lunch, and I can have 60 cards and so everything is regimented. And remember, my mom's a nurse, I'm gonna keep saying that probably my mom's a nurse. So she follows the rules, you know. And so I say that I want to step back and say my mom was great, because like for Halloween, she would go to, like 10 of the nearby houses that knew me and give them packs of baseball cards to give me instead of candy. So

Scott Benner 36:58
yes, I'm on my mom's you know, that was a setup even as a kid Really? Like this isn't nobody else's leaving here with baseball cards, or?

Josh 37:06
I think I mean, I figured it out after the first house. Whenever like they have a bowl of candy. Oh, oh, Josh. Let me let me There you go.

Scott Benner 37:15
Mrs. Johnson's like Josh is here, everyone. To your places. Yes. The baseball cards. Don't

Josh 37:21
get mad. Don't read on them.

Unknown Speaker 37:23
Don't let them see the Reese's peanut butter.

Josh 37:26
Oh man with Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Oh, that's the best one. So, you know, and just school. You know, there's there's a certain kid that uh, would would say, why don't you go die? diabetes? Oh, you know, it's just like that. I mean, not very creative. But it certainly hits you because every single day you're leaving to go to the nurse. And and Yeah, you've heard all these stories. You don't

Scott Benner 37:55
know whether to be upset because of the absolute meanness of the statement or the lack of creativity. Really, you know, which way do you go and when you're young? This all is? I mean, I'm assuming every ounce of it hits you with the full force, right? It's just terrible. I I can't imagine otherwise. Wow. Now you get a second on the go die diabetes thing your Fried my mind there? Jesus.

Josh 38:22
I don't think that would be a good, good episode time. I

Unknown Speaker 38:24
don't think we're gonna do it tomorrow.

Josh 38:26
It would turn people away. I'm pretty sure. Yeah. You know, it's just one of those things like that you can't get away from it'd be the first thing I would say to any new teacher. Like, after, you know, probably after second grade, my mom would do everything up until second grade. But you know, I would tell them, hey, just so you know, I'm a type one diabetic, you know, look for these signs, bla bla bla bla bla, or maybe give them a note that my mom had written? Right, you know? So it was

Scott Benner 38:54
just colored everything right?

Josh 38:56
It called a colored everything. It changed. It changed everything. Not to say that I didn't use it to my advantage is sometimes, you know, there was community pools that we would go to. And I would go to the lifeguard and say my my blood sugar's low, my blood sugar's low. So they would give me 50 cents so I can get a coke. So that was nice. Hey, you're taking

Unknown Speaker 39:21
finally, finally a winning all of this? Yeah.

Josh 39:26
Oh, my question. I have to drink a coke. But um, oh, I'm more of a I'm more of a Diet Coke.

Scott Benner 39:31
You didn't really want the coke, but you did like the idea of getting the freebie I gotta be on. I see the attraction of that. I really do.

Josh 39:41
You know, taking naps in the nurse's office. Stuff like that right now. going in for for feeling low, but it just colored it colored my whole life. Yeah. It it made me think that um, you know, into the teenage and and going off to college years that I, I probably won't get married, because I'm going to pass this disease on and or I'm going to, to die young. You know, all this stuff because it I mean, I don't know if it was for everybody, it doesn't sound like it's everybody's experienced, but there was a certain amount of a fear based boundaries treatment, I don't know what to call it always reminding you of, of your feet of you know of everything you know. So that's, that's that's the, as soon as my daughter was diagnosed, that all flooded, I'm like she's This is going to be horrible and this is my child that loves candy and all this stuff. It just just came on me and it took me too long to figure out Oh, wait, she's gonna start where I'm at now. Yeah, you know, we had a Dexcom for her? Honestly, no, actually, she got we were able to get a Libra really quickly because they're just in the pharmacy. So I switched to the Libra for a little bit and gave her my decks calm, she had a decks calm in a week, you know. And, and then, you know, of course now has her own. Well, and it hasn't affected her Go ahead,

Scott Benner 41:26
I was just gonna say, I mean, because I feel like we're gonna move forward here in a second. And I just want to remind you, and everybody that's listening, that what you just said is just 1,000,000% true, you had a very common experience having type one diabetes, you know, a couple of decades ago, it just is what it was. And it doesn't it like, I don't want to be reductive. There are people who don't have great insurance or don't have great doctors who, for whom diabetes might be very similar sell just with some better insulin, right? There's still a lot of people who just are like, you're given insulin and a meter. And they're like, Here you go, this is it. And that's, that's unfortunate and sad. But for everyone who's not in that situation. This is night and day, like your this is, you know, space travel compared to walking at this point. Absolutely. You know, and, and your daughter will have a completely different experience. And I think that hopefully, there'll be a way for you to feel the, the joy in that. And, and move forward. So how did you handle the depression? diagnosis? Did you? Are you doing something about it? Is it did it help? Or were you out with that?

Josh 42:41
Um, yeah, I, I am a counselor, a therapist by trade. And so it took took me Of course, it took me a little bit longer than it should have to go see my own therapist. And so I started seeing somebody and then eventually got on some medication. And it's taken from like, June, when out from like, August or September to a couple months ago, to find the right mix that has been relatively helpful. You

Scott Benner 43:12
know, it's interesting, because it occurs to me that you are the exact kind of soul I would want as a therapist, and you're the exact wrong kind of a person to have to go home at the end of the day, having been a therapist all day. How do you do? Because you've seemed very empathetic, and you're making me happy. I mean, you're like, like, like, not by being like, I came out wrong, like I feel comfortable talking to you. And you're only one of a handful of men who have ever been on the show who have been able to reach inside themselves and talk, you know, from a, from a place of how they feel, which I appreciate. But after a day of people dumping their stuff in your lap. How do you walk away from that? Or can you not

Josh 44:00
it's a it's a trait or it's a it's something you have to either learn. You either have it or you have to learn it, or you're gonna be in burnout land, and you probably won't last as a therapist. So at some point I've learned it, I guess, you know,

Scott Benner 44:24
when people are talking, you listen for words, ideas, know that. No, it's not. No,

Josh 44:28
it's not. Okay. It's I am 100%. I mean, I, my wife calls me a super empath, which I think is something like, again, she's the smart one she's the reader and and maybe it's just empath where it really affects me way too much, right. And so like you know, I grew up with my parents got a divorce and my, like I said, it's, there's just so many feelings and so many everything that Somehow I got all the feelings and my brother got all the things, the brain stuff, you know, he he's able to, to deal with the feelings by just not feeling. And he and I can't get through stuff.

Scott Benner 45:16
Yeah, yeah, there have been times on this show where people have come on and surprised me with the things that they've said. And I've handled it by trying to be more academic about it. And then there have been times where it catches you by surprise. And you feel like your heart opens up and just wants to hug love, man, you feel like your chest is gonna explode. It's very, very interesting. It just, it just struck me as you were talking, it's like, oh, this poor guy like he must. He must leave work some days just been like, Oh my gosh, But to your point, how you you'd have to learn how to deal with it or are you probably couldn't do it very long. Well, people, the people who seek you out, I imagine are lucky to have you. So that's, that's lovely. For you to give yourself like that. For you, alright. Okay, so diabetes sucked when you were younger, kind of thought that's how your daughter was going to be moving forward. It's not you know, that now fighting with feeling like this is your fault. You get diagnosed with clinical depression, is that the diagnosis that's that gets medicated, right? Did that help?

Josh 46:25
Eventually, there's like, the first meds that I took, turn and turn me into, I was just completely numb. I couldn't, I couldn't feel anything. There was no happiness or sadness, which, if that's how you want to be then then you can be like that, but I couldn't enjoy things. So I didn't much like that. And the next one, you know, turned me into a zombie. I couldn't, I couldn't. I couldn't focus on anything. Right. Like, yeah. You know, maybe the next one didn't really work and then eventually found one that worked well,

Scott Benner 46:58
that's persistent, a good fit healthy, you know, for people to hear that they should understand to what's the time like so the day you decide this? Is it? You try one medication? How long does that go? before you try this?

Josh 47:10
That's the hard one, that's a hard one. Because between every med change, it's about a month, right? They want because with antidepressants, it takes at least a good two weeks for it to build up in your system to be effective. You're not gonna pop a pill and be like, oh, oh, shiny. You know, you have it's a buildup, and then you find

Scott Benner 47:34
out doesn't work. We're different. Yeah. And,

Josh 47:38
and so then it's, you don't always have to, like, you know, titrate down, some of them, you do have to titrate down, but sometimes you can just kind of switch over or just add something, you know, try to boost it. Okay, what about, you know, this much Prozac? And then if it doesn't, if it's not working, it's not working? And then, you know, okay, then you just do like a quick titration. And then, you know, adding this thing and see what happens there. But so it was multiple month after month after month, right to defined eventually effects or works. So

Scott Benner 48:16
that's, I've heard, I've heard people say that one before two, it's a

Josh 48:21
it's a dual, dual activator. So it's a little bit more hardcore than some of the other ones. At least that's how I describe it to people.

Scott Benner 48:31
So you've got your there's, you have highs and lows again, but you don't feel overwhelming sadness. Is that it? Well, that's a triumph. Congratulations. Seriously, that's a big deal. Do you think it's something that was brought on by a trauma? And maybe, where do you think you'll it'll be with you for a long time, the need for the medication? And how do you figure that out? Right? Because if you go off it, right, that's the only way to figure it out.

Josh 49:01
I hope I don't need it for forever. I'm not against the idea. I mean, I can't be because I take insulin. And

Unknown Speaker 49:12
I

Josh 49:15
I don't know. I mean, I know I know. It wasn't like an immediate trauma. It's a it was built from my parents divorced and type one diabetes 100%. And just built up from that. And, you know, if I probably could have been diagnosed when I was in, in middle school, when I was telling my parents I hate life, I hate life. Like Like a moody teenager. So well.

Scott Benner 49:42
Let's do this and let's let's dip into your skills and and put ourselves in a time machine. What should young Josh have done different to not end up here? Do you have thoughts about that?

Josh 50:01
It's hard I mean, you know, your one thing that you do with therapy is all you can do is remind people what they have control of and don't have control of. Right? I don't, I did not have control of my parents divorcing, and I did not have control of getting type one diabetes, or the effects of type one diabetes. If my personality was more like my daughters, I might have been able to own diabetes a little bit better.

Unknown Speaker 50:34
If

Josh 50:41
If I had if I had sought out, you know, a therapy, like I'm, I had been doing pre COVID. To try to, to recognize where this stuff is coming from, and that it's not in my control. And sometimes we just have to deal with that. It's not in your control. earlier. That might have been it. But it's one of those things. I don't know if I would ever because there's a certain amount of just genetic, you know, blood makeup, you know, I'm just I'm that maybe I have a little bit less dopamine, or whatever it is, in there, that I'm just more susceptible to it. Yeah. I don't think there was anything that young Josh or even, you know, college, Josh, could have really done

Scott Benner 51:35
that. I don't know. Just that maybe just having someone to talk to to it mean, is it fair to call it like, letting the steam off? Like sometimes like, to keep you from getting to critical mass? Do you? Is that what the conversation does? For people sometimes?

Josh 51:53
Yeah, yeah. That's and we oftentimes we call that being a sounding board, you know, if you know, and, and sometimes, you know, that. That is all people need just to be heard, maybe they don't have someone at home to be heard. Or they have a topic that they can't bring up with their mom, or brother or sister or you know, loved one. And they just need to be heard. But then, you know, it's always that question of, okay. You can come in week to week and be heard, but what are we going to do about it? You know, can we do anything about it? Right? And if so, what are we going to do about it?

Scott Benner 52:32
Yeah, and for you, obviously, if diabetes was one of your stressors, I mean, the only thing you can really do about it didn't exist back then for you, right. And like just finding management ideas that didn't take up as much of your time didn't cause you to bounce around as much and feel that way and to be scared all the time. So you listened to the podcast is your management, like completely different than it was when you were younger? Have you had that?

Josh 52:58
Okay, yeah. So when my daughter, the one that was diagnosed, was about two, one or two.

Unknown Speaker 53:09
I

Josh 53:11
I had a seizure in the middle of night. Up until that point, I had never had an I never been hospitalized for being too high. I've never been hospitalized for being too low. I've never had any of those sorts of issues. And that, that hit me. I don't know what I honestly don't know what happened. And it was very, very scary. I was preparing myself for this. I was talking to my wife this past week. And I realized that what hurt the most I mean, it hurts to have a seizure. Especially if you bite your tongue and stuff like that. But what hurt the most, I just remember laying in the hospital bed in the ER, and just feeling a tremendous amount of shame that I didn't I didn't take care of my diabetes well enough that you know, it's this. I know, I know. We don't curse here, but it's that that Oh, moment where you you realize, okay, the the Reapers coming? And that's what hit me. I don't think I developed a sleeping issue after that. But I had trouble going to sleep. Sleep a long time after that go to sleep, right? Yeah. And lo and behold, out of that, out of that muck of crap. Comes the idea. Oh, what's this? What's a Dexcom g4 and this is where I'm going to really lay it all on my endocrinologist I'm not putting my endocrinologist on on your on your your Doc's list won't be

Scott Benner 54:55
on there won't be on the juicebox Doc's dot com page.

Josh 55:00
Is your your promo? Yeah, everybody go do that. I will I will mention some names of good people but my, my, my endocrinologist is not, but she's an adult endocrinologist I have asked her, she said that, no more than 5% of her caseload is type one diabetics. So she How is she supposed to know? Right? She never introduced the idea of a continuous glucose monitor to me, until I had this, you know, some other doctor, or my wife? Remember? She's the smart one. Yeah. And, and oh, crap, you know, so I got that. And I immediately went probably from I don't know, I don't know where I was at. I'm pretty sure it was like an eight or nine, down to under seven, and then kept on going. And since since that date, I haven't been like over 6.3. Well, and I was still doing MDI, by just with the Dexcom. Right. We have been being aggressive. And so the seizure changed my life in good and bad ways. I couldn't sleep, I was more anxious, I was more depressed. But I was also getting better. Yeah, I'm getting better care. And that happened again, with my daughter, that it tore my heart out. It broke my heart. And I realized that I hated diabetes. I knew I hated diabetes. But I wasn't I couldn't, I couldn't hate diabetes anymore. I can't go around. You know, and not that I did, you know, throwing my, you know, shots and saying shots or stupid or something like that. But I can't have that about diabetes anymore. Because I have to, I have to take care of her. And I have to let her be free. Which meant I had to be free of have that feeling.

Scott Benner 56:56
of loving, like, Oh, yeah, take her out of it. It's It feels like the diabetes and you are the same thing. Is that right?

Josh 57:06
Yeah, yeah. I mean, I am a diabetic. You know, there's, there's been a trend lately. Not lately, the past probably like 10 years of trying to push people to not be the diagnosis. So you're not a narcissist, you are a person that suffers from narcissism sort of thing. I chose that one specifically for you. I felt like that

Scott Benner 57:27
was aimed at me. But thank you.

Josh 57:31
I listened to a lot of your podcast and I have the power of diagnosing I don't believe you meet the diagnosis criteria,

Scott Benner 57:37
or Oh my god, finally. That's it. I'm using that that's um, that's going on the website. Not a narcissist. Please leave your credentials at the end of the episode.

Josh 57:49
But, uh, but yeah, that, you know, it's it's a you're not a schizophrenic. You're suffering from schizophrenia. I understand. Yeah. Yeah, that sort of thing. And so, but I'm 100%. I was, I will and not only was I a diabetic, I have been a bad diabetic.

Scott Benner 58:05
See, it's been it's been horrible. Go ahead. You said that at the beginning. And I thought, Boy, that's an older idea in diabetes, like I never hear parents have younger kids who are more newly diagnosed say, we're bad diabetics. It's always, it's always adults, who are of a certain age, who at some point, grew up with the idea that doing it right, whatever that meant, you know, with a needle and insulin and nothing else in no direction. And doing it wrong, man, I'm a good diabetic or a bad diabetic. And I hear some people say it with, like, real low thing. Like they screwed up. I hear some people say it with a lilt that tells me they know, it's ridiculous. And it's just something people say, but it really is prevalent in people with diabetes of a certain age to feel like they either did it good, or did it bad. And that's such a shame, you know?

Josh 59:03
Yeah, that hit me. Again, this past week, I've been listening along to the podcast longer this past week, but I've been going nonstop this past weekend. I had I had slowed down. But um, you had said to somebody, that it's just that age that between 30 and 40, just that age bracket something, something in there and the care for diabetes just was was

Unknown Speaker 59:30
what

Josh 59:30
I mean, but at the same time, you know, for the generation that boiled their pee. I don't know if you're hearing that. You know, when you had Dr. ponder on your he didn't say that, you know, maybe he's maybe he's a great diabetic, we all know he is. But

Scott Benner 59:47
no, just if you're if you're it's that there's a middle ground like you're saying if you're older than that, like whatever that range ends up being. I've never done a study. I don't exactly know where it is. But if you go into that generation prior, right, who was had nothing, then, you know, regular an MPH and like 30 minutes before probably seemed like a dream to them. And so their perspectives just different. Yours is, you know, listen, I mean, obviously you can't make people feel any way, if you could everybody be happy because somebody with better perspective than you could just point out, you know what's up and you'd be like, Oh, great, that's perfect, I'll just start feeling like that. Now, obviously it doesn't work like that. But if I step back from your story here for a second, what I hear is, for all the, you know, miles, the crap that you use slog through, what you end up on the other side with is the exact right education to make sure that nothing like that ever happens to your daughter. And I feel like that's what parenting sort of is anyway, except, you know, except we don't see it as much, you know, here's another way to think of it, a person grows up with terrible parents. And it either overwhelms them, right? Or they learn from it, it usually ends up being what it is, even the people who learn from it, are still kind of, you know, messed up in their own special way. But they have a perspective that tells them, I don't want to do those things. That's how we, that's how society continues to gradually get better, you know, and it happens so slowly, you can't even see it in your lifetime. Sometimes. It's just, it's happening, it feels like autopilot. And if it wasn't diabetes, it would be something else. Like if you didn't have diabetes, and your daughter didn't have diabetes, there'd still be something from your past that you've learned from it just wouldn't be so front and center in your mind. And she'd come through the room and say something and you'd say, Oh, no, no, no, and kind of, you know, course corrector. Based on this knowledge you have from the past, that would be burned into you, but not, you know, not on the tip of your tongue constantly, just with diabetes, it's always on the tip of your tongue because you keep living it. It's it's Groundhog Day, right? Like it just won't stop happening. So it's more out in the front. I don't think it's any different though. So somewhere in there is your ability or inability to not wallow in it. And I don't mean wallow in pity, but that's the only word that pops into my head.

Josh 1:02:15
Well, while is a really good word, because I was gonna say, you know, in that age bracket, we're talking about, you know, 90s kids, and we all listen to Nirvana. So it's Nirvana's fault. You know, that would that were wallowing? But when, when, okay, so when my daughter was diagnosed, from that point, in the next, you know, two to four weeks, I learned so much more about diabetes than I ever knew. In the previous 25 years. It's insane. I, we went to, so this is where the good endos come in to our children's hospital. And not that I knew the name yet at that point, But lo and behold, it's Dr. ponders team. And so our, our endocrinologist, Dr. Stevens is amazing. And one of the nurses there, his name is Brandt is amazing. She's absolutely amazing. To the point of like, I, you know, I gave her a couple of shots in the hospital, you know, for her and stuff like that. No, I guess is maybe the day after, but it was hurting her a little bit. Not that she didn't, you know, I mean, your shots and she's six. Yeah. So when, when we went to him, you know, his, his attitude is just so positive. He was able to teach, teach on us, but also teach mainly just teach her that look, I can do a painless shot. And he did it and she didn't feel a thing. And hey, it can be painless. She taught us never to call this a good blood sugar or a bad blood sugar. It doesn't have a moral standing in life. It's just that high blood sugar, low blood sugar. And, and all those things weren't there. I don't feel like you know, when I when I was going to Texas Children's and because my hemoglobin agency was a certain height I had to stay and talk to the dietician, and yada yada yada. So it's, it's been amazingly different in getting and being and being able to let her have the freedom. Like with that Dexcom my wife and I, based on what you talked about with Arden and not restricting food, we don't restrict any food. Now we're not letting her just have Skittles every single meal, right? Because we weren't doing that anyway. But there's no there's no food restrictions. Yeah,

Scott Benner 1:04:59
not I think that's a big deal. I just looked at ardens a one C for the last 90 days. Because I wanted to echo what you said, when I let go of the idea. Not good or bad blood sugars, I don't think I ever felt about them that way. I think I felt about them like, you know, okay, we need insulin, she doesn't need insulin, like that kind of feeling. It's high, it's low, it needs carbs. Like I always thought of it as reactive like that. But still, when I let go of the idea that Arden's blood sugar was going to be 85 all the time was a big deal for me. And it didn't lead to her a one c being any higher, or, or, you know, any better or worse. It was it was just my, my crap in my head, right? Like the jumble that would pop up into my head when I saw it. Like the difference between being like, Oh, she's 160, she started to head up, we probably didn't Pre-Bolus in time, or this wasn't enough insert or whatever it ends up being, we'll just do the thing that makes sense to do now and move on. I'm not saying I want to be clear that I'm not saying that, you know, I see Arden's blood sugar at 300, and disco, whatever, you know, like, I'm not talking about that, I'm just talking about the like, not beating yourself up over it part. Like that part. That was very freeing for me. And I did, I did it for a number of years. Before you guys knew me, but it was, um, it was not beneficial. And it wasn't helping anything. Like I think it feels like it's helpful. Like, like, I'll punish myself over this maybe so that it doesn't happen again. But that's not how it works. So you know, you can't tie a blood sugar to personal punishment, it just doesn't. They're not connected to each other, it doesn't make any sense, you know.

Josh 1:06:47
And that's something that I had to learn,

Unknown Speaker 1:06:50
you know, worse.

Josh 1:06:52
And I don't I still don't know if I, if I've learned 100% like not tying my like, if I'm having a rollercoaster day. And it's because I'm, you know, doing something wrong. I'm, I'm usually bringing that out myself. But luckily, I feel like we haven't had any of that sort of stuff with with my daughter. At the very beginning. My wife looked to me to be some sort of expert on diabetes. I'm like, I don't know anything.

Scott Benner 1:07:28
Paying attention. Barely,

Josh 1:07:29
I could barely take care of myself. I don't I don't care. Yeah, like, so we, you know, we've we've learned together how to take care of her. And I mean, and, and honestly, now it's I think it's it's probably more her. I know that I at one point, I remember you saying that. It's it seems like it's better when it had when there's one person in charge of the care of a child. But really, it's, it's probably like, 55% 45%. me. And and we she was a she was 7.6 when she was diagnosed with diabetes, which I don't think is that bad? No, in the grand scheme of diagnosis. And then she is her last one, which would have been, you know, November to July was 5.0 G. So we I say we, I caught it. I caught it really early. Right? And we've been I've been amazingly thankful. They kept us overnight one night. Technically, they said she went into DK but she wasn't ever that bad. When we got out and went over to the windows office, they said, Oh, man, you should have just come You should have just called us and come in, we could have gotten that blood sugar under control and wouldn't have to do any of that hospital stuff. Right? Like, we didn't know that we didn't know who you were, you know, so I'm pretty, I'm pretty thankful for for my ability to to catch that. That was that was something that I you know, I when I when I'm crafting something for the house, or whatever, I see all the flaws that I did, but that I have been able to to get that. That joy out of being able to catch that before you

Scott Benner 1:09:27
know, I made a big deal. And you've obviously helped her and her launch and Oh, this is so much better because of it. plus all the things that dangerously could have happened if it would have just gone unseen too long. I genuinely believe Arden was just a couple of maybe a day or two away from going into a coma. We didn't like we just kept staring at her like idiots, you know, just Wow, she looks really sick. You know?

Josh 1:09:49
Yeah. And and see I don't really I don't think I would have. She was too Right. Yeah. I don't think I would have been able to. I mean, I wouldn't have known what symptoms look like for them. You know, where, you know, same age, right? And same symptoms, at least similar symptoms. So

Scott Benner 1:10:07
I just don't, I just don't hold on to things like that the way other people do. And it really this conversation has made me think that, not that I don't think I didn't realize this before, I just never kind of put it into words in my own mind. But the amalgam of who you are, how you grow up, what your brain chemistry is, the things that have happened to you or not happened to you, you know, they all are going to inform your reaction to something later. And me feeling like, I did my best. And I don't hold any weird feelings about not figuring it out sooner, is probably a lot less about me, like the conscious person you're talking to, and a lot more about however, I got built over the years. And just the same as I think your reaction is probably as much to do about that, as it is about anything else to the things that happened to you, and how they intersected with, you know, your physical, your physiology and, and everything else. It's just, you know, I think that anybody who would look, I think anybody would look at somebody who's having anxiety or depression or worse, and think I'm better than they are. You don't realize that's you don't realize it's just you're just lucky, just dumb luck that that didn't happen to you. You're not. You're not broken. And I'm not. You know what I mean, there's something that could happen to me tomorrow, that would run me over that you'd probably skip right through, we just haven't found that thing yet. I don't know. I just think it's important not to feel that way about other people. And I know it's crazy to say it like this, but like I saw Kanye West say something yesterday. And your first thought is, there's something wrong with that guy. You know what I mean? Like, but I don't feel like I don't, I would never say like, He's nuts. Ignore him, I would say, I think there's something he needs that he doesn't have, you know, and, to me, that seems it's horrible, you know, that somebody can't help him, or that he, I don't know, I don't know what it is. But I would never look at him and just judge him as somehow inferior to other people. He's, you know, he's been through stuff that I haven't been through. And, you know, and so on, and so forth. I just think, like, I when I'm talking today, I just feel like, you never know, man, like if there could have been four other different terms in your life. And you might feel differently, and who's to say that those terms aren't going to get made better moving forward, and you're not going to get to feel differently in the future. Because you've been, I mean, we've been talking for over an hour, you've been upset for 15 minutes of it at the very least, like like, once it hits you like it hasn't gone away, you know. And, and that's a tough way to, that's a tough way to have to live day to day, especially because, and, gosh, Josh, I am so sorry. But we said we were gonna say this, but your youngest has markers for type one as well, right? Now my oldest your oldest does. So the nine year old looks like it's about to happen for them as well.

Josh 1:13:13
So a couple weeks after my middle was diagnosed, we were around the dinner table. Just having fun with you know, a blood sugar meter as you do. And, and he wanted to test his blood sugar to see how it fell. And so he tested blood sugar and I I looked at it, and I turned it and showed my wife, you know, with my bug eyes and and, and he was 264. Yeah, we just had dinner is 264. And she just looks at me, and

Unknown Speaker 1:13:47
that

Josh 1:13:50
I had not experienced the feeling of hope. Just dividing itself for myself. Hmm, that didn't make sense. Hope Jessie leaving me. Oh, as much as I did

Scott Benner 1:14:02
it, Josh. That happened to me that day. Yeah, yeah, I've had that.

Josh 1:14:07
And, and it leaves me speechless at the moment. And so we we dipped him in alcohol, and made sure it was all

Scott Benner 1:14:20
stuck to him anywhere. Yeah,

Josh 1:14:22
we because he was actually squeezing strawberries. for some weird reason. You're

Scott Benner 1:14:28
like, maybe that's it? Yeah,

Josh 1:14:29
maybe that's it. And so we tested it again. And he was still high.

Unknown Speaker 1:14:36
What did you tell him?

Josh 1:14:40
I don't know. I don't know if we really said anything. At that point. We may have said, Well, your blood sugar's a little high. But then we left the room and started bawling.

Unknown Speaker 1:14:49
Yeah.

Josh 1:14:50
So you know, it's one of those things where like, I knew I knew a little bit of what to do with my middle but I This point I was, I was beyond action. I could not. I was just I was I was a puddle. And luckily my wife, she. I think at this point, we were at a messaging basis. No, wait, no. We called we called the the windows office. And they said, Okay, we'll bring him bring him in tomorrow morning, we'll do a hemoglobin agency and check his blood sugar then. So we did. There wasn't much sleep that night. I wanted, I wanted to check his blood sugar and other six times while he was asleep, but I didn't. And I remember there, the moment we were in the waiting room, and the nurse Brandt came out, he looked at me. And because unlike this with, with with everybody, so he knows I'm like, Oh, just at this moment of just about to cry, and he looks at me like, he feels my pain. And he just but he was what he says was why the heck did you check his blood sugar? You know, that's gonna lead to trouble. But like we heard, we were playing around now. So we we checked his blood sugar there and did his hemoglobin a one C. And he had his blood sugar was like 100. And I think is a once he was like 5.2 or something. It wasn't, it wasn't bad. So we were like, okay, we took one of her the doctor, we took one of the lead rays extra lead rays that we had, and put it on them. No, they gave us one of the professional ones so that it just came out of all the data. So that we didn't have to fret for two weeks. gave it to them. They went over the results, we saw the results. Okay, this, I mean, I was looking at this doesn't look that bad. But Dr. Stevens was like, man, I just, there's just something about these numbers that I'm not 100% comfortable with. So he ordered the antibody test, got the antibody test back, and he was positive for three or four of the five antibodies.

Scott Benner 1:17:11
So it's a matter of time, possibly, before it happens.

Josh 1:17:17
I'm pretty sure that because they've all said that. It's not impossible, it's a win, because his antibodies are attacking his insulin, like the insulin that's in there. And one of the other ones that like just in a combination, it's it's gonna happen. I remember that phone conversation, we were outside. And I'm just listening, because my wife is the one doing the talking. And, you know, it's just another just, I, I could not understand what was going on and, and why my wife stayed with me and married me in the first place when I mean,

Scott Benner 1:18:04
I I think that there are a lot of people who think they know how that feels. And and it's I know, I feel like I understand what you're talking about. And it's a it's me numbs the wrong word, it feels like there's nothing positive that exists in the universe. And it's all gone. And it feels like it disappears in a split second, it's very powerful. But I think the good news is that, you know, if that's not really the truth, it's not what this ends up being is not what you were hoping for. But not, I mean, you hear people on here, right? All the time, we're living terrific lives, and they're not going to be any different than your kids and they don't have to be any different than you honestly. So it's a it's, I often wonder about, I sometimes think I'm gonna have a grief counselor on the show one day to talk about the connection between being diagnosed with something that's incurable and how how people respond to death yet, because I think they, they appear to just match up to me, you know what I mean? And so, I mean, man, listen, it appears to me that you were fighting with something for a very long time that you've just started to address for yourself, and then you have this diagnosis, and then another diagnosis or, you know, upcoming diagnosis, it feels like I can't tell that's worse. If he would just have it today. Or if you get to think about it, I'm not sure what's worse that your psyche that

Josh 1:19:36
goes back that goes back to that argument of should you have like your kids tested? Yeah. Or you know, and do those antibody tests.

Scott Benner 1:19:45
Do you want to know the day you die? If I could tell you the day you were gonna want to know right, and the answers gotta be, I think No,

Josh 1:19:53
I think well, with the dying one. Definitely. Yeah,

Scott Benner 1:19:55
it was like next week and then I wouldn't some some really stupid things I'd like to do for a couple of days. Because I've been pretty, I've been pretty good to this world. So I'd like to

Unknown Speaker 1:20:07
I'd like to Louie got to get

Josh 1:20:08
on those podcast files set up for

Scott Benner 1:20:10
my hosting, I'd have to get all the editing, I'd spent the last week of my life editing, show editing, getting them ready to go out for you guys.

Josh 1:20:17
But you would have a lot of a lot of people in there you know, for your for your funeral listening, all the other listeners would come in and

Scott Benner 1:20:25
the show would finally be as big as I want it to be because people like you, you're not the guy that died. But first he set up six months of his podcast to go online. Great, this

Josh 1:20:35
is it. This is a grim grim

Scott Benner 1:20:38
we just went right down into my head room is like all that. I wouldn't know.

Josh 1:20:42
That's what most of the time things are. It's not like so Dolly Parton. She has a she has years and years of music that she has recorded.

Scott Benner 1:20:53
Huge boobs. I did not know where that was going to say about Dolly Parton. She has

Josh 1:21:03
saved up okay. I can't even go with that. But yeah. So yes. And so she's gonna probably get even more popular in my Korean moratorium, whatever it is.

Scott Benner 1:21:20
Well, you use the wrong word. But now you used it. Sadly. I can't think of the word. That's right. I will think of it later. that'll probably be the name of the podcast. Speak boobs. Yeah, no, no, I was gonna say something else. But nevermind. phones. We got it. Listen, man, I, I have to say that I can envision an absolutely delightful future for you that I think is already beginning to happen. But I don't know if I can talk you into believing it exists or not.

Josh 1:21:57
I have to. I've never been a good. Like just sitting in a classroom listening learner. I need to try it out. I need to do with my hands. I am I'm trying to build a bass guitar. And so I'm practicing on another piece of wood to try and make sure I figure out how I can do what I want to do. You know? I have to I have to experience and learn. And I think I think that process has started. I think I thank you and the podcast for helping me with that. Because a lot of it like I had said before is the community. I there was a time I went for a work conference e learning thing to Dallas, and the hotel clerk. I recognized a Dexcom or something that Oh, you're a type one diabetic. At that point. I want to say that was probably the first type one diabetic. I had talked to him maybe five years

Scott Benner 1:23:03
knowingly right? Yeah. Yeah.

Josh 1:23:06
I to me, we were always, you know, silent. And there was, you know, there was nobody, but then, you know, the podcast, you're bringing people on? I'm hearing their stories, which I absolutely love, you know, because I'm a counselor. I'm getting on. I don't do Facebook, but I look at you know, your group, and then the loop group, so I loop and, and all that sort of stuff. And yeah, that community has really made me realize that okay, there's more, and, and though my son's personality is probably not going to be as good as my daughter's personality about it. He will.

Scott Benner 1:23:48
He'll, he'll be all right. Well, he's got every opportunity, I think and that's kind of all you can hope for at this point is that, you know, that the options are all positive. And that the idea of will be vetted by you. And then by somebody smarter your wife, and then and then

Josh 1:24:07
it and more beautiful. Well, I didn't

Scott Benner 1:24:09
want to say but it but it um it's all right there. Now if and, and he he's not going to be well, he shouldn't be burdened with the experiences that you are right like he doesn't have a sibling who passed he That's tough. Like whether you think of that or not if that had to have been very hard on you growing up had to be hard on your mom in ways that probably rebounded around the house you wouldn't even be able to see as a child. And then you know, everything else that comes with having Type One Diabetes at that time, having someone say to you, why don't you go die diabetes, cuz, you know, let's hope that kid stubs his toe as an adult. You know that that kind of stuff isn't going to happen in your house. And so you just have to traverse the other 5000 things about having diabetes that everybody else has to get through. But I had a list of all ology that's ever existed in the world, you know,

Josh 1:25:12
a list of all this stuff of like, Oh, yeah, like, and you've talked about endocrinologist and how that's been and I can I can talk about, you know, our school experience. And and how that's been. But, yeah, you're right, that, you know, at least my personal journey, I have to not equate their experience with my experience. Yeah, it's gonna be it's going to be different. And with my son, specifically, you know, he has not watched my daughter suffer at all. In fact, my daughter probably gets, you know, three times as much candy as she used to. We're not a juicebox family. We're a Skittles. Skittles have a couple. So let's see. Let's see. I don't know what the not the generic name for Skittles would be but you know, that's, that's what we are.

Scott Benner 1:26:01
You have generic Skittles?

Josh 1:26:03
No, I'm just thinking like, if you wanted to, if you wanted to name the podcast that

Unknown Speaker 1:26:07
oh, you know,

Josh 1:26:08
rather, rather than getting in a trademark or copyright thing, you know?

Scott Benner 1:26:13
Maybe I'll just call this one taste the rainbow. Who knows? Taste

Josh 1:26:15
the rainbow. So yeah, we love Skittles in this house.

Scott Benner 1:26:19
I was leaning towards Josh has all the fields. But we'll see.

Josh 1:26:25
That's very. Um, yeah. So yeah, it's I I have never not had insurance. That's one of those things like it's it's has put a lot of responsibility on me in good ways. Yeah. And currently, I have excellent insurance that will cover us will help us. Yeah. You're right. The future is in front of us in. Yeah, sure. All

Scott Benner 1:27:00
you got to do is calm down. You'll be okay.

Josh 1:27:02
Yeah. And that is the dog that I did not step on. Well, please. We actually, yeah, we actually we got through the help of, of donors and a GoFundMe. She's a diabetic alert dog. Wow. And, like, we're just trying to cover all of our bases. So I started with the Omni pod after listening to you guys and also that nurse Brandt. Because I thought okay, maybe my daughter would like to have the Omni pod. We would like her to have the Omni pod. So I'm going to start doing it. And so as soon as I decided, Okay, I'm gonna start doing the Omni pod. My, my, my wife, the smart one. She looked up and saw this thing called loop. I'm like, Okay, so, yeah, I jumped. I mean, I think I did the Omni pod, you know, normal experience for like, two weeks. And then I started looping. Okay. And then here comes your podcast again, to be able to kind of help me with that non advice way of course, but how was that? And and then Ginny, you know, I signed up for integrated diabetes service and, and went and I did not ever get to meet Jenny. Because COVID happened and moving happened and my my subscription ran out, but I got help setting up the loop and getting that going. And it just keeps moving forward. And

Unknown Speaker 1:28:40
this

Josh 1:28:42
I remember recently that you had someone on just talking about how the all the medical things with with diabetes that are happening. Like there's no it doesn't feel like there's any other field that is moving so fast.

Scott Benner 1:28:54
I agree. I think and I think that it's um, it's building on itself to it just feels like it's it's gaining a momentum that I just never thought would happen like I say all the time. And I really do mean this there was a long period of time while Arden had type one as a younger person, obviously for people who have had it longer than her were just you know, accompany coming out and being like, Look, we made a new meter. Is it any better? No, but it's new like that wasn't advancement like look, we changed it aren't that look, the numbers are easier to read, like like that kind of stuff was was a leap at points and now we all stand around going well, when's the Dexcom g7 coming out? Like you know, yeah, and the middle that comes out you're gonna be like, Is there gonna be a ga like you'll say it immediately you know, and then you'll say no, Russia got kicked out of the g8 is g7 now, which will be a bad joke that I will tell at some point. But it just it is it's, it's moving at the fastest it ever has. And and I really do I agree with you that algorithm pumping for Those who can get it and want it is going to be a it's gonna be a big deal your son may never know, diabetes, even even a sliver of the way you knew it as a kid, you know? So it's really good. It's excellent. You're you're in a good spot. You just don't know it yet.

Josh 1:30:17
Yeah, I was put on this earth to, to raise diabetics.

Scott Benner 1:30:23
I wish I knew I was here.

Unknown Speaker 1:30:27
But you were

Josh 1:30:28
here, you were here to disseminate information, and in comfort to those that can find the podcast. Oh,

Scott Benner 1:30:40
Jesus, as soon as I said that, Josh, I was like, it's gonna seem like I was fishing for a compliment. But I really don't, I really meant I don't feel like, Man, that real purpose,

Josh 1:30:48
let me check the DSM within narcissism.

Scott Benner 1:30:53
As soon as I said it, there was a voice in my head. That went, don't say that, because it's gonna feel like you said that it will say something nice. But I didn't just pop that in my head. I just I don't know how other people feel like during during their days, but I I genuinely, almost always feel like I should be doing more than I am. It just it's, I don't I don't know what, you know, what broke in my life, coupled with how I'm wired, that leads me to that feeling. Because I think if I step back, and look, I think I'm doing a lot for people who I don't even know, which is already, I think more than what a lot of people are able to accomplish. And so that should feel good. My kids are healthy and doing well and keeping it home for them. And all those other things. I feel like I I feel like if I quantified myself on paper, I'd think oh, that guy is doing okay, you know, but there are still times when I'm standing somewhere thinking like I could get another episode of that show out. Or I really do want to have a doctor on to talk about intermittent fasting. And I if I there was more time I could I could nail this one guy down that I want to have on and get him on. But I just I can't do everything, obviously. And the podcasts can't just be on constantly. And so I don't know, I don't know if that feeling of I'm not doing enough really just means I feel like there's more to do. And then maybe I'm making it about myself, instead of making it about what's left to do. I'm not sure but you know,

Josh 1:32:26
well, if I was If I was your therapist, I would say that a lot of times people base their their worth on their productivity, okay. And sometimes, if we're not that, it seems like you're feeling down or anything like that. But we always are wanting to push our productivity so that we can push feeling better. You know, and so being able to just step back for a second and look, you know, at what you've created or what you've done, practicing that mindfulness is always a good thing. You know, it's not going to take away that feeling of, I want to do more, I want to do more, because that's it's good that you want to do more. But I'm realizing No, well, I have done I have done a lot.

Scott Benner 1:33:14
Yeah. I'll tell you where you see it, where I see it the most of that idea of like, it's not where it's not enough, is with. So you know, you measure a podcast by downloads its streams or downloads or whatever you want to call it. It's people's ears hearing episodes, right? And then you measure it by how far into that episode, they listen. But those are pretty much the two ways, you know if you're doing okay, and there was my wife was joking with me the other day. And she said, Do you remember when you told me? If you can just get the podcast to 15,000 downloads, you'll know it's moving in the right direction? And I said yes, I do remember saying that. And she's like she was how many downloads Did you have this month? And I said 115,000. Like I at one point was talking about the entirety of the show, like just making it to 15,000. And now this is the reality. And I look up and I see that it's about to hit 2 million total downloads. And I my first thought is

Josh 1:34:17
he just hit 1 million.

Scott Benner 1:34:19
Yeah, yeah, I got the 2 million pretty quick after one. Yeah. So So I see the 2 million in what you what and what I should think is what you just thought like, wow, I hit a million. And I got to 2 million, much more quickly than I got the 1 million This is going in the right direction. And it is and I know that academically but when I see the 2 million number approaching, I think I wonder how much more quickly I could get the 3 million that I got the 2 million for one, like it's just that weird feeling of like, how do I do this better, stronger, faster, quicker, like go go go and and I am a little competitive to

Josh 1:34:53
not say we are competitive. We're a competitive race. Generally. We're always trying to be Push and, and do better than our than the people that are copying you.

Scott Benner 1:35:05
There. There are times when I'm Loki astonished that I'm able to keep my concern for people living with diabetes in second place, or in first place, excuse me in front of my feeling of wanting to win it because they feel like two things that they feel in congruence completely like the idea like, I want to have a great podcast. And I want it to be listened to by as many people as possible. And I and and that kind of thing. And I just really would like people to feel better. Like and just be healthier and meet people, like you said, You never met anybody without the diabetes for it does that for some people. And so I really do feel that way. I love what the podcast is all the good parts about it. But they also have debt, it also has downloads and I'm like more more more. Like it's weird to try to keep those two things. Separate, I do see them as separate. But I don't ever want them to bleed on to each other. Like I don't ever want the idea of making the podcast popular to be more important than the podcast actually being popular for a good reason. I guess.

Josh 1:36:10
It's like a few minutes ago, you had said, I really want to get on Dr. Oz to talk about intermittent fasting. I can't think of a popular doctor and I hate dr. oz. So yeah,

Scott Benner 1:36:23
if I said that I know there's something wrong with me.

Josh 1:36:25
Right. But if you had said I can't get it, I want to really, I really want to get this famous person because they have type one diabetes. Rather, you said, I want to get the information about intermittent fasting out to people, right? Yeah, that's a difference.

Scott Benner 1:36:40
My whole marketing plan around this podcast is that somebody listens to it and gets enough out of it to tell somebody else about it. That's the entirety of my plan for getting bigger. So I just think that trying to plan for anything else is silly, because that it's not it's false, right? Because even if you can drag people in, they're not going to stay. Like if it was boring, or banal, or just any in any way not listenable. Then you'd get them there. You'd go to all this work to drag them in, and then they'd listen and go, I don't want to listen to this, and then they'd be gone. You know. So, to me, if it helps people it's self sustains. That's how I think of it. So anyway,

Josh 1:37:21
does that make you feel

Scott Benner 1:37:24
a little hungry? Actually, because we've eat we've talked into the first hour of my intermittent fasting schedule today. And somebody downstairs is cooking, and all I can smell is food. And then my brain goes, you only have seven hours left. And this is a good conversation with Josh, so don't stop talking to him. So there we go. Yeah, we're gonna have to stop Josh so I can eat.

Josh 1:37:45
Okay. Happy Birthday Arden.

Scott Benner 1:37:47
Oh, I will tell her thank you and listen on a complete off note, I just have to ask you before you go. And thanks so much for coming on and doing this. You were incredibly honest and open. And I really appreciate that. But what kind of headset is that? Because it sounds terrific.

Josh 1:38:03
It? Well, it's one that the VA gave me It's from work. It's a Jabra.

Scott Benner 1:38:09
I see that. Okay, so

Josh 1:38:10
Java is a band, a brand that's out there, I can tell you it's bi z biz. 2400. And then there's like a, like a 202. Roman numeral two, almost. Okay. And it just it plugs into the USB. It's like it's plug and play. Yeah, it has this that I can you know, mute and whatnot. And

Scott Benner 1:38:33
yeah, Jenny, you were about to get a new headset in the male sounds terrific. So it was so good.

Josh 1:38:41
I was thinking I because I have you know, like earbuds or you know, to plug in a mic. Okay, I'm gonna I'm gonna get this thing working on my personal computer, because it was working. So

Scott Benner 1:38:51
it's terrific. It really is good. Yeah, sometimes I send Jenny technical gifts and she then calls me and says how do I hook this up? Because she's delightful.

Josh 1:39:01
This one should be easy.

Scott Benner 1:39:02
So kidding. All right. Well, listen man, the best to you and your kids and your family and that poor dog which obviously can't live much longer the way it's being stepped on. And, and just I really do appreciate you doing this and Oh, look, that's a beautiful animal. Look at that.

Unknown Speaker 1:39:18
Oh, time to stretch. Lovely.

Unknown Speaker 1:39:20
What kind of dog is that?

Josh 1:39:21
She is a burner doodle half. Well, actually a quarter bernese Mountain dog and three quarters poodle?

Scott Benner 1:39:28
Yeah, I burned snickerdoodles once. But I just I think I'd the oven too hot to be perfectly honest. Learn to doodle I've never heard of before. I'll check that out, too. All right, Josh. I'm gonna go downstairs and eat something before my stomach attacks my brain. All right. I thank you so much for doing this. I really do appreciate it.

Unknown Speaker 1:39:45
Have a good day.

Scott Benner 1:39:51
A huge thank you to one of today's sponsors. g Vogue glucagon. Find out more about chivo Kibo pen at G Vogue glucagon.com forward slash juicebox you spell that GVOKEGL Uc ag o n.com. forward slash juicebox. And to learn more about the Contour Next One blood glucose meter, please go to Contour Next one.com forward slash juicebox. There are links in your show notes and links at Juicebox Podcast COMM And as soon as this music stops, I'll fill you in on what's been happening with Josh.

Okay, Josh wrote me just the other day. I'm sorry, I'm not on the microphone. Josh wrote me just the other day, and said, since we spoken in July, a few things have happened. In November, his daughter hit a one year anniversary with type one. And on December 7, they officially diagnosed his son with Type One Diabetes. He says now there are three of us in the house. He did not have to be hospitalized, which was great. And he was quickly put on tresiba. And then in a few days, they allowed them to start using novolog to get him off the roller coaster, but that he's adapted very differently than his daughter has. And I've sent Josh an email back and invited him to come back on the show in six months or so. And tell me about that. I just like to say Josh, that my thoughts and my family's thoughts are with you and your family. And I'm sure everybody listening has you on their mind in their heart today.