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Scott Benner 0:00
Hello friends and welcome to episode 986 of the Juicebox Podcast. It is not episode 986 Hello friends, and welcome to episode 985 of the Juicebox Podcast.

Today's episode features an anonymous female who's had type one diabetes for 25 years diagnosed at age eight in the late 90s. She's now an attorney. She's on today to talk about her life with type one, but more specifically about how she grew up and the drugs and drinking that started in her life at a very early age. While you're listening, please remember that nothing you hear on the Juicebox Podcast should be considered advice, medical or otherwise, always consult a physician before making any changes to your health care plan or becoming bold with insulin. I drink ag one every morning and you could to use my link drink ag one.com forward slash juice box to get a free year supply of vitamin D and five free travel packs with your first order. Would you like to save 40% off your entire order of sheets, joggers, towels all the good comfy stuff that cozy Earth has use the offer code juice box at checkout to save 40% off of your entire order at cozy earth.com And you can get 10% off your first month of therapy@betterhelp.com forward slash juicebox

this episode of The Juicebox Podcast is sponsored by Omni pod Omni pod makes the Omni pod five and the Omni pod dash. You can learn more about both get started today. And see the pump that my daughter has been wearing since she was four years old at Omni pod.com forward slash Juicebox Podcast is also sponsored today by touched by type one checkout touched by type one on their Facebook page, Instagram, and it touched by type one.org. That website is where you're gonna get tickets to see me speak at the next touch by type one event in September. Touched by type one.org. The tickets are free, but a lot of people have already signed up. It's gonna be a huge crowd, we're gonna have a great time. I'll be speaking a few times during the day. And so we'll Jenny touched by type one.org Go get your tickets before they run out of chairs.

Anonymous Female Speaker 2:36
So I am a type one diabetic of 25 years. This is month is actually my anniversary of being diagnosed with type one back in 1998. So that makes me 33 years old, and I am an attorney in the southeastern part of the country.

Scott Benner 2:58
You say you it was 25 years ago? 25 years ago? Wow. That seems like such a long time. And you say it like that. And you were eight years old?

Anonymous Female Speaker 3:07
Oh, yeah. I had just turned eight, the December prior. So about a month after Christmas,

Scott Benner 3:13
like a belated gift. Yeah, exactly.

Anonymous Female Speaker 3:18
It was a great one.

Scott Benner 3:19
I just yesterday put a bunch of likes on my birthday wishes on facebook from seven months ago. Do you think those people will be confused when they turn their Facebook ads?

Anonymous Female Speaker 3:28
Probably but I love it. I hope that I hope it starts to pop up on people's feeds.

Scott Benner 3:34
Yeah. I looked at I was like, Wow, a lot of people wish me happy birthday. I never saw it. And then I felt bad about it and went through and read them all like them. And then I thought I

Anonymous Female Speaker 3:44
forgot that they even left a birthday.

Scott Benner 3:47
Oh, there's no doubt they're forgotten. Oh, yeah. No doubt they forgotten. But I, I as I was doing it. I'm like, Why do I care about like, why am I like I kept thinking like, maybe they're going to later see that and go. Why did he like that seven months later? What's wrong with him? You don't I mean? Right. Yeah. Okay. For certain I think that's gonna happen. Or your one of two things is happening. You have external speakers that are still on. And if they are turning them off, okay, I'm hearing my voice through your microphone. How's that? I don't know. I'd have to talk first. Testing 1111. That's better. Thank you. Okay. Yeah. So you are 33 years old. You are an attorney. And you've had diabetes for 25 years.

Anonymous Female Speaker 4:44

25. That's right. Okay.

Scott Benner 4:46
Why did you want to come on the podcast? I know. But why don't you share it with everybody.

Anonymous Female Speaker 4:50
So I was on Facebook. I'm a part of the Facebook group. And I saw an announcement looking for Are people to come on and do and after dark episode and I thought, well, now is my time to shine, I've got plenty of things that could fall under the, the umbrella of after dark, plenty of shenanigans I've gotten into in my 25 years of being diabetic. And also to say, it all worked out. You know, I'm here and I'm fine. And, but not without, you know, some consequences and complications, but

Scott Benner 5:31
we'll find out. I appreciate you coming on doing that. Actually, the outpouring of, of decency from people, when I asked about that was really something like, I think at one point, I was like, I'm looking for somebody to talk about mental health impacts and stuff like that. And instead of what I thought was gonna happen, which is maybe I'd get a person to talk about it. I think I now have six episodes about this with six different people. And wow, a lot of people would say, Well, what are you gonna do with all that? I'm putting it out?

Anonymous Female Speaker 6:00
Yeah, I think it's really helpful. Yeah. They've been incredibly helpful for me. I know. Good, good.

Scott Benner 6:05
So you know, you you kind of ruined it at the end. You're not a natural storyteller. You're like, it all worked out? Because you said your attorney. So some people like to us, you know, Oh, yeah. But some people heard you're an attorney. And they think, Oh, God, it went terribly wrong. My parents would say otherwise, Oh, are they still paying for those loans? Or did they give them to you?

Anonymous Female Speaker 6:30
I think that they're just grateful that I've

Scott Benner 6:35
gotten really, okay. Well, let's find out.

Anonymous Female Speaker 6:38
If I'm being too hard on myself. No. Well,

Scott Benner 6:41
I mean, I can see your list here. Let's talk about it for a minute. So you, you're diagnosed as well, don't worry, I'll bring it all up. So you don't you're diagnosed when you're eight. And give me just a little bit about that. Because I feel like you're gonna have a lot of content. So difficult, easy, don't remember it. It

Anonymous Female Speaker 7:03
wasn't, I would, I would say it was incredibly traumatic. I hadn't really been able to describe it that way, until I got into therapy to realize that the whole situation was a trauma. I was sick. For most of my seven year of life, I got the flu. And from the flu, likely came the diabetes. So I just stayed sick. I started wetting the bed again, and throwing up and being very embarrassed about it. My parents kind of had an idea of what was possibly going on with me because my mom, bless her heart is a retired registered nurse. And so I think that they had good intentions of trying to shield for me what they thought to be true. But essentially, what happened is, I was told I was going on a vacation, pack your bags, and we show up at a children's hospital. And I didn't leave until a week later. And that was very confusing for me as an eight year old.

Scott Benner 8:03
They told you is a vacation?

Anonymous Female Speaker 8:05
Yes. Yeah. Yeah,

Scott Benner 8:11
yeah, that's a misstep. I'm gonna let you know. Right.

Anonymous Female Speaker 8:15
It was it was in, you know, because, of course, when we got there, and I realized it was a hospital, I locked them out of the car and refused to get out and made a scene and was rushed. Finally back to the ER, they knew I was coming. My pediatrician had called and it was a whirlwind of tubes in my arms, blood, poke all that. And just being told that I was type one diabetic. And the only context I had for that was Stacey from the Babysitter's Club series, I knew that she was type one diabetic. But in my mind, I thought that I was never going to be able to leave the hospital again for the rest of my life that this was it.

Scott Benner 8:55
Really? Yeah, you're one of only a couple people have ever brought up that book series. Really? Yeah. It's interesting, like people talk about it a lot online, but never bring it up on the podcast. And I always wonder like, why that just took me by surprise us that, hey, I have this image in my head of the old door locks and cars were the like the stem pulled up out of the door and you had to push them down. Did you like have to dive back and forth in the car and push down all the locks?

Anonymous Female Speaker 9:24
Yes, yes. And my parents, they had a keyless entry on the car. And so it was just back and forth, back and forth. Until you know, they could finally just do a door when that battle.

Scott Benner 9:39
They must have been like, why don't we just leave it in the car and go home? Are you the only are you an only child by any chance?

Anonymous Female Speaker 9:45
I'm not I'm the baby though. of three. Oh,

Speaker 1 9:49
well. Then same idea. Like I was thinking if your only child that could be like, well, we could start over. But like if you're like the youngest of three, I think you'd be like we have two that are perfectly functioning. Why don't we Why don't we just go? She was in the car, she'll figure it out. Right?

Scott Benner 10:05
Right. So you had a real? I know this is a hard thing to ask somebody to remember back 25 years when you were a child and everything. But did you have issues prior to the diagnosis? Or do you really think this kicked you into a direction

when you get to Omni pod.com, forward slash juice box and scroll past this picture, this weird looking guy from the podcast, you're gonna see some text says Get started today. And you're able to choose two different paths that you click on, check my coverage. To find out if your insurance is going to cover Omni pod and get started. Or you click on I'd like a free trial of Omni pod. I'm going to take that pod for a test drive. It's up to you. I don't care. Head to omnipod.com forward slash juicebox. And give it a try. Scroll down really read. Read the whole site, you're gonna see some stuff there that I think you're gonna find very interesting. Very interesting. In diddly doo. How about that the AMI pod is tubeless. You can wear it in the shower, in a lake, in the ocean in your pool. You thought that's not a big deal. But it is. Because every day you bathe, and every other insulin pumps gotta come off. Not the only pod it goes right with you. That way you're always getting your insulin. And you don't have weird high blood sugar's because you're like disconnected and then forgot to put your pump back on. That's not going to happen with Omni pod Omni pod.com forward slash juice box. My daughter has been wearing an omni pod every day since she was four years old. And she's 19. That's 15 years. Is it? 19 minus four? Yes, that's 15 years. That's a long time. Um, the pod has been a friend through this whole thing. Absolutely amazing customer service, quality product, you get what you pay for. And actually, my insurance covers it pretty much completely. So that's not really an issue. Okay, I never thought of that. Hey, maybe your insurance will cover to Omni pod.com forward slash juicebox. Go over there now and decide do I want Omni pod dash? Do I want that Omni pod five? What are you gonna do? links in the show notes links at juicebox podcast.com to Omnipod and touched by type one touched by type one.org. Don't forget to go get your tickets and check out what they're doing. Touched by type one is my favorite organization that helps people with type one diabetes. And I think you're gonna love what they're doing had touched by type one.org. Now let's get back and find out the answer to my question. What was my question? issues prior to the diagnosis? Or do you really think this kicked you into a direction?

Anonymous Female Speaker 12:50
I think I was predisposed in a lot of ways, just family history wise. And this was one of several things that just kind of nature and nurture met very well together. And it was off to the races from there.

Scott Benner 13:05
Gotcha. You got the wrong side of both of nature and nurture.

Anonymous Female Speaker 13:08
I did I did. I'm sure

Scott Benner 13:11
you're very good at something else. Like for instance, technology.

Anonymous Female Speaker 13:16
Yeah, in fact, I've been described as quite a genius as far as that is concerned. Yeah,

Scott Benner 13:22
by me, eventually, one day when I tell people that we've been recording for 10 minutes, but we've been on the phone for 30.

Anonymous Female Speaker 13:29
Yeah, I think your your words were and I quote, well, this is not the worst I've seen.

Scott Benner 13:35
There have been some bad ones you did pretty well, actually, for somebody who turned it on and it wasn't working the way they expected. It must be a panic I've never asked before but you're like, oh my god, right? Like this. It's not working.

Anonymous Female Speaker 13:47
Yeah. And then I'm like, now I just looked ridiculous. And like I wasn't prepared. And I as a type A person that drives me crazy to think that I've got everything under control.

Scott Benner 13:59
So so the pain was focused at you not at letting me down? Yeah, well, it's good. By the way, I don't know how I would have handled if you were if you said something like, Oh, I didn't want to mess up in front of you, Scott. I'd be like, Oh, God, I don't. I never noticed.

Anonymous Female Speaker 14:16
No, I feel like and I'm sure you hear this a lot. But over listening to your podcast and stuff. I think I have enough of a sense of you to know that. You really don't really

Scott Benner 14:28
like this. I don't have anything to do for like three hours. I was like, whatever this is okay, I was gonna talk to you, and then have a drink. And then I'm interviewing the CEO of tide pool at five o'clock. So Oh, yeah. And if people find that interesting, go back six months in the podcast and check it out. Anyway, after after you're listening to this and you're the seventh person who talks about stuff like this and after dark. So you kind of alluded to it a little bit. There's a little bit of family history what what would that family history be?

Anonymous Female Speaker 14:57
Substance abuse, alcohol holism specifically, mental illness, anxiety, depression, those sorts of things.

Scott Benner 15:08
You Irish? I'm sorry to just say it like that.

Anonymous Female Speaker 15:11
No, that's a fair question. No French actually.

Scott Benner 15:15
Okay. Still that part of the world over there? Yeah, I'm trying to get backgrounds from people when they talk about their problems.

Anonymous Female Speaker 15:24
And I think that that's an interesting way to go about it as well and kind of get those stats out there.

Scott Benner 15:30
Yeah. I mean, there's just some backgrounds that seem more susceptible to autoimmune stuff and other things. But interesting. Okay, so you grew up with alcoholism in the house?

Anonymous Female Speaker 15:42
Yes. And I don't know that I realized it, like recognize it as alcoholism. It was not like, the sort of thing where I come home from school and you know, Dad's drunk again, mom's you know, drunk again, it was more of an alcohol was just always present, always around. And it always looked like everybody was having a lot of fun doing it. And that was not the case at all.

Scott Benner 16:08
Yeah. Did you fall into it yourself?

Anonymous Female Speaker 16:12
I did very early on I when I was about 12 years old, and I don't even know what came over me. But my parents always kept the liquor cabinet stocked. And I came home from school one day and just thought I'm going to see what that's all about. And so started drinking somewhat regularly. It for 1213 year old after school.

Scott Benner 16:39
I'm gonna go with anytime you do it twice in a row. That's regular if you're 12. That's yeah, I mean, by the way, I used to watch general hospital after school with my mom. But this is a much you were way ahead of me. So So, so you, wow. I don't know like, to be honest with you. I hadn't gotten up to the drinking part. Like all that. In the lesson. I was kind of looking at it when we were first talking. And when you told me that your parents said you're going on vacation to the hospital, I thought they must have been high when they said that. But do you remember a bottle of vodka and a cigarette while she was saying we're going on vacation? She made she's going on vacation? Because you're going to the hospital?

Anonymous Female Speaker 17:25
No, I you know, that's kind of a common pattern in my family to this day is that people don't like to be honest and upfront about when stuff is really just not great. And we'll go above and beyond to keep it from people and shield themselves from having to, I don't know, maybe let somebody down or worry somebody were an intern. It was much worse, having no idea where I was going what was happening. In fact, getting my hopes up and excited because it was a school day that I was diagnosed. I was like hell yeah. I don't even have to go to school for the rest of the week. You know, and, and not knowing that was pretty terrible.

Scott Benner 18:12
I'm sorry, Catholic. No. Talian No, listen, you're just missing on all these

Anonymous Female Speaker 18:19
bark Irish and near miss them. Like it's yeah,

Scott Benner 18:23
I'm still on the bullseye just didn't hit the little.in the middle yet? Yeah. Okay. Don't worry. i The lady yesterday, I got so much of her life. Correct. I thought I was a soothsayer at one point. It's good for me to have to go again, to have this happen.

Anonymous Female Speaker 18:37
Alright, it's interesting to to hear what you think in, you know, just those assumptions. Because, yeah, just having never met me before. So I bring it Keep it keep it coming.

Scott Benner 18:48
That's fine. I just find there are some religious backgrounds that are very much about kind of protecting the vintage, you know, make everything look good. Doesn't matter what's happening behind the door, as long as the doors nice. And there's a brass knocker and all that stuff like we're good. Yeah. But that's also maybe human to, you know, I might be applying it to just all the Catholics I've ever met. Who knows. And so you're drinking on the regular at 12.

Anonymous Female Speaker 19:14
At least weekly? Yes. What do you drink, and I, whatever, had enough in the bottle that when I put water back, they would probably not notice. And I really don't know where that behavior was modeled for me. I certainly picked it up somewhere. And I started to also one of the more regrettable decisions I've made along the journey with diabetes is I took up a nice cigarette smoking habit at the age of 12. And really struggled to part with that all through my 20s and did not quit smoking successfully until a year ago.

Scott Benner 19:56
How did you enjoy mixing your downers with your OPERS when you were 12 Was it figure. I mean, what were you like? Were you like, Who's that guy that on Playboy magazine? This is now how I picture you in a bathrobe like the house. Yeah, I know picture you like Hugh Hefner for the scotch and a cigarette. You know, it's like four in the afternoon. You're watching Bugs Bunny. Like,

Anonymous Female Speaker 20:21
been a long day, a

Scott Benner 20:22
long day. I got this diabetes to keep up with everyone's wrecked around me. I got problems. Did y'all? I was gonna say sisters, I don't know why he gave me a vibe like you have sisters. But did your older siblings drink too?

Anonymous Female Speaker 20:36
You know, probably not like I did. But I would say they have their own issues that overlap all three of us. And so I've got an older sister and an older brother. And so brothers, the oldest by 10 years, my sister's five years older than me. So we're kind of spaced out.

Scott Benner 20:56
Was it one of those situations where if they saw you, or like smelled you, and they like you smell like a cigarette, that they were just like her? She's in the club? Or would they tell somebody? Or if they told somebody would nobody give a crap? You mean my siblings? Yeah. Like, would they rat? They think well, would your siblings rat you out? Or would they think it was good?

Anonymous Female Speaker 21:12
I said my sister did. Because we had this weird sister thing where we like, I think we could just hated each other when we were younger. We're super close now. But I think she felt like I took especially one she's the middle child, right? And then two on the sick one. And I'm getting all the attention. And she already feels like she's not getting the attention that she needs. And she truly had her own struggles. And I was the one that was getting the attention that I think she desperately wanted and needed.

Scott Benner 21:46
Okay. This is strange, but hold on a second. Remember how I told you I was holding my helping my son make cookies. He's in the grocery store asking questions about an egg purchase right now.

Anonymous Female Speaker 21:56
Oh, yeah. I'm curious now.

Scott Benner 22:02
So he, he's, he's cheap. And I've raised both of my children to be cheap. I'm very proud of this. No one will tell me. I am. Arden goes shopping. She picks up three things, but two of them back. Will like never. Yeah, will never buy everything in her hand. And right now he's like, can I buy the grocery store brand of eggs? I can get 30 of them for $11. But I mean, that's a lot of eggs.

Anonymous Female Speaker 22:32
Yes. Hold on. That is a lot of eggs. If you're gonna use all of them.

Scott Benner 22:37
Yeah, that's the question. By the way, three weeks ago, he had never washed a dish before. Now he's got the day off from work music, I'm gonna make cookies. And then he's five minutes later, he's like at the grocery store going. Like, I don't have enough facts. I'm very proud of him, actually. Because I think if this was you, you'd be high as a kite by yourself on a Friday afternoon.

Anonymous Female Speaker 23:03
I mean, yeah. This is like my impulse decisions. Like, yeah, I'm gonna make cookies instead of do what I need to be doing and all that. But this sounds like a whole different situation. He just wants to go hopefully sober. Sure he is.

Scott Benner 23:20
Neither my kids actually nobody in the house drinks. Good. But so here's the question. You said impulse just now. Like when you look back on it, were you trying to prove something? Because a 12 year old? I think I agree with you is mirroring, right. They're not like yeah, 12 You didn't say to yourself, I'm really uptight. You know, what I think would cut into this a little like Vaca, gimlet? Maybe? So like, you don't I mean, like, so you're just kind of mirroring? And then it just becomes a habit. Like, because I think, yeah, I mean, I know people get addicted to things at some point in life. But sometimes I think we just make a decision to do something. And then we do it because we think that's what we do. Does it make sense to you? Yeah,

Anonymous Female Speaker 24:08
it does. And I think that, you know, it took on a life of its own, and it wasn't overnight where things got, you know, like really, really, really bad. I mean, some could argue that it's, it's bad when that's what a 12 year old decided to do. But I think on a level that I didn't recognize watching my my parents is that it looked like it was working for them. And I felt so horrible in my skin that it was just like anything to get out of that feeling for just a minute. I'll try it. Yeah.

Scott Benner 24:49
Okay, I take those points. I understand what you mean. Yeah. Didn't feel good in your skin. What does that mean?

Anonymous Female Speaker 24:55
Well, you know, that's already a difficult age. Either way, And there was a lot going on in my life at the time and at home and without going into too much detail about this. But my father had gotten into some legal trouble that was very public and political. And so I had that middle school diabetes, family just just kind of not falling apart. But everybody kind of goes their own separate ways and just deals with it the best that they can. My mom pretty much checked out for a few years, and I get it. And so it was Anna, I got to hanging out with the bad kids quote.

Scott Benner 25:42
Well, you probably you were probably a good friend.

Anonymous Female Speaker 25:46
Yeah, yeah. Hey, I

Scott Benner 25:48
just had to stop for a second. Like dad pulled away on the local news bed or? Yeah, really? Yeah, to tell me but definitely tell me when we're done. Okay.

Anonymous Female Speaker 26:00
I will. I can send you the articles. A federal charge. Federal.

Scott Benner 26:06
Wow. I'm gonna guess racketeering. You don't have to tell me

Anonymous Female Speaker 26:11
that he there were there was a civil suit, or in alleging racketeering,

Scott Benner 26:16
yes. Yeah. It's my favorite word. It's one of those things that sounds horrible. And nobody knows what it means.

Anonymous Female Speaker 26:22
Yeah, it's like tennis or something. Is that like, What?

Scott Benner 26:27
Is it like undue pressure or something like that? Or am I gonna have to look up racket theory? I'm not doing that right now. I've

Anonymous Female Speaker 26:33
let you associate it with.

Scott Benner 26:36
You broke up for a second. I'm sorry. That's fine. Can you hear me? Okay? Yeah, you get electronic. Sometimes, like, my voice comes back at me. And then it doesn't.

Anonymous Female Speaker 26:44
Gotcha. Yeah. I'm not sure why. I am the technolog technology expert. So, you know, figure this out.

Scott Benner 26:54
I can tell by the way you pronounce the word. So technology tech. Okay, great. Oh, no. Are you kidding me? Listen to where we're at so far. You're drinking and smoking as well. Your dad's been hauled away. Your mom's checked out. You've had diabetes for four years. And you're over here thinking, I don't know if I'm a good guest. I don't care if my voice echoes back three times. This a great story. So

Anonymous Female Speaker 27:20
how can people pleaser it can get me into trouble sometimes.

Scott Benner 27:24
Are you really?

Anonymous Female Speaker 27:26
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. A recovering people pleaser, I would say.

Scott Benner 27:30
Interesting. So does the does the drinking go to drugs?

Anonymous Female Speaker 27:35
Oh, yeah. And, you know, just a lot of experimenting. I would say yes to just about anything, even though like, I gotta tell you, it's got like, I was so unassuming note, like, just my my family and and who I was, nobody would ever ever, ever think that I was involved in something like that I was very good at at hiding that and keeping up a persona that would not maybe otherwise match what you would think someone you know, I'm getting at like,

Scott Benner 28:09
here. I know what you're just I know what you look like. And it's a mindful that this is how you are versus Yeah, versus what you physically look like. Yeah, no kidding. Yeah. You look like the third best friend on a sitcom. Yeah. Yeah, you're cute, and you're pleasant, and you are unassuming. And you look like you look like America, like you really do. It's amazing. Ya know, it's part of what's messing me up. I think if I could see you, it'd be worse. I'd be like, this isn't real, right. And it's stopping me knowing what you look like is stopping me from asking my next question. Which of course, I'm obviously going to ask right now,

Anonymous Female Speaker 28:48
you're going to ask you after the ads.

Scott Benner 28:54
Did this go to sex at a young age?

Anonymous Female Speaker 28:57
No, it really didn't. I was kind of terrified about that sort of thing. I was so I had such low self esteem. I, I it went more towards attention. I wanted attention from other guys, but not in like a sexual way.

Scott Benner 29:18
First of all, thank God, finally something went wrong. Like seriously, like I was, I was very worried that the next thing you were gonna say was then I started you know, and I just, I'm happy to hear you didn't. But so you're doing those things. You're you said your house, you put it you're experimenting, which I now in my mind, I'm thinking of you lacing your weed with something, but I'm assuming you just tried a bunch of different stuff. I did. Yeah. And no one's pulling you out of this right. Like you're kind of living on your own but in your house.

Anonymous Female Speaker 29:54
Yeah, nobody knows. I mean, my at times my parents caught off Under like something was going on with me. I'll never forget. I was probably about 14 and I had gotten home from school and I've passed out. I probably took something I don't even know what it was. I would go into my parents medicine cabinets, drink on top of it, and I was passed out and that and my dad comes to get me because dinner's ready. And he's like, What the hell is wrong with you? So he, he knew something was going on? They they both did, but I think everybody had their own stuff going on that it was just kind of like, okay, we're going to keep our eye on that. But I think they think they thought I was smoking weed, which I had tried. But it was really, a lot of this is still a young age young age, but it was a lot of drinking their booze and them not knowing it.

Scott Benner 30:48
And pills, like if that you would find around the house. Yeah, you were just taking them by mouth, right? Yes, we're not crashing anything and snorting it or anything like that.

Anonymous Female Speaker 30:58
Not yet. Yeah. Oh,

Scott Benner 31:00
do we get to that?

Anonymous Female Speaker 31:02
Yeah, yeah. After that. That doesn't come until about 16.

Scott Benner 31:05
Oh, yeah. You want to wait, spread it out? Yeah.

Anonymous Female Speaker 31:09
Yeah. How much of this did not grow up too fast.

Scott Benner 31:13
Don't grow too fast. Honey, will snort the ketamine later. So how much of this has to do with the diabetes? And how much of it is just the hodgepodge that is your life?

Anonymous Female Speaker 31:27
I think that at the time, I didn't recognize how much of it was diabetes. I think that I've felt I've just wanted to feel like normal. I was wanting to fit in. I don't know if I think it just added to my depression another another layer. And, and despite that, though, I was a wonderful diabetic. I and I still think I am and I don't want to put labels on it. Good, bad, right or wrong? Because it's hard, right? But I was keeping up all appearances and very involved in like JDRF and the American diabetes Association and I mean, I just looked like I had it all going on on the outside.

Scott Benner 32:19
Wow. That's fascinating. I didn't think you're gonna say that. Like, I thought we were gonna say, I bet yeah. When you were talking about like, holding it together, I thought you're gonna say like, maybe once he was okay. Nobody really yelled at me or anything like that. But you're like, No, I was at those JDRF functions in like, a pretty dress like, and everybody was like, Hey, everyone, look over here. And she is She Great. And you're like waving while they're raising money. And then you're right. Yeah. Then you're like, let me help you clear this stuff off. I'll take these glasses to the kitchen for you.

Anonymous Female Speaker 32:55
Yeah, exactly. Yeah, we, my mom and I, we she did a marathon once. Her and I raised money. She put together a team and ran for raising money for the American diabetes Association. And we did a ton of works and out like brochures and did fundraisers and stuff and we raised $50,000. I think that for diabetes research, and we're active and benefits with the JDRF. And they wouldn't cease. We're great. I was one of the first kids honestly, that they put on an insulin pump. Because when I was diagnosed, there were Ursuline palsy had it. It was rare and Eudald. And hey, you broke

Scott Benner 33:40
up there for a loss. Your generation you broke up there for a long second. I'm sorry, you were one of the first piece people they put on an insulin pump and give me the rest again.

Anonymous Female Speaker 33:49
Sure. So you know, I was one of the part of the younger, like first young generation that started to go on insulin pumps, because when I was diagnosed, even though insulin pumps were around, they were rare. And if you had one, you were an adult, and so as probably around fourth grade, so this would have been 2000 or so are no i don't know I'm not going to do fast math in my head. But I was diagnosed in second grade. by fourth grade I was on an insulin pump and worked really hard to keep my blood sugar's I had fantastic doctors that are better research hospital just really helping me and then I'm not going to go off on too much of a tangent we can get there when we get there. But diabetes camp as well was a huge impact on my life and highly recommend it for anybody that has a kid with with diabetes.

Scott Benner 34:47
What a juxtaposition you are. So there's on one hand, you're completely not concerned with your health at all. You're drinking, taking drugs and smoking cigarettes. But on the other hand, you're taking you're taking He's very good care of your blood sugar and making friendships through community. You sound like yes,

Anonymous Female Speaker 35:08
that's pretty. Pretty much.

Scott Benner 35:09
Yeah. I mean, I'm glad you giggled, because it's it's silly. It's like you, because you just assume and I don't know if this is just, you know, I don't know if this is me being ridiculous or not, but like, those two things don't seem like they go together to me.

Anonymous Female Speaker 35:23
Yeah, I've, I've always been a chameleon. And I'm really good. I can fit in with any anybody. I can talk to anybody. And so, yeah,

Scott Benner 35:35
can you see these? Because there might be a world where you point them out to others and make money. Like, it's between how you look physically. And it's just, it's all doesn't none of it. None of it jives, like nothing jives with anything. And that's how you got away with it. Are your parents similar?

Anonymous Female Speaker 35:54
Yeah, in their own way. Yeah, I would say so. We are all really good at putting up really, really pretty picture.

Scott Benner 36:06
Smart people.

Anonymous Female Speaker 36:08
Yes, I would say

Scott Benner 36:11
do you think do you consider yourself like, I mean, do you drink any more?

Anonymous Female Speaker 36:16
I do occasionally. I'm, and we can dive into that too, if you if you want to. But I've worked with a therapist doing harm reduction and recovery. For me. It has not looked like flat out sobriety. But it has been an I know this might be a little controversial, whatever, but harm reduction. And that has worked well for me. It really has.

Scott Benner 36:43
Are you what they call California sober?

Anonymous Female Speaker 36:45
I've never heard of that. I think I would just smoke weed.

Scott Benner 36:48
I think it means weed and drinking but nothing else.

Anonymous Female Speaker 36:51
I call that the marijuana maintenance plan. But But no, I don't I it just has never done anything good for me. You don't like weed? I don't. Yeah. thing I don't like it makes me very paranoid.

Scott Benner 37:10
What what do you what did you like?

Anonymous Female Speaker 37:13
Cocaine? Opioids at a certain point? And but my best friend is ecstasy. And any but always.

Scott Benner 37:30
Now, are you broke up again?

Anonymous Female Speaker 37:31
Oh, it just has to do with being able to get your that's fine. What was the last thing you heard you

Scott Benner 37:37
broke up again. I heard ecstasy. And then you were okay.

Anonymous Female Speaker 37:42
That's about it. They were my favorite.

Scott Benner 37:44
Were you just saying you liked whatever you could get your hands on?

Anonymous Female Speaker 37:48
Yeah, for the most part,

Scott Benner 37:50
how long did that go? From? What ages? And how the hell did you pay for it?

Anonymous Female Speaker 37:54
So I don't know if this is common with other people or whatnot. But so I've actually I attended private school from sixth grade to until graduation. And there were you know, we were all the squeaky clean, clean kids so to speak, but there's a lot of drugs and there's people that have money to get them. And were doing starting to do cocaine at 16 at you know, like a bonfire field party. It was I don't know how normal that experience is for other people. But that was that was my experience. And you know, it's also combined with the with a small town, but it went on through once I got to college, and that was mostly just the the drinking and partying but started to experiment with more like with harder drugs or psychedelics stuff that would probably have scared me when I was younger. I don't know it was my 20s were kind of a spiral a little bit at times.

Scott Benner 39:08
Yeah, I mean that. That checks out because you said I tried harder drugs after you said ecstasy cocaine. And you're like then I ramped it up a little bit. You know, Scott really got it moving. Acid.

Anonymous Female Speaker 39:25
Yes.

Scott Benner 39:25
Okay. Heroin.

Anonymous Female Speaker 39:30
Yes, accidentally, once

Scott Benner 39:33
you know how it is when you do heroin by mistake.

Anonymous Female Speaker 39:36
I was 16 Actually, yeah, yeah. And I

Scott Benner 39:39
drank a regular Coke when I didn't mean so. Same thing.

Anonymous Female Speaker 39:43
Yeah. To hate that. Yeah. Yeah, I was told it was opium and black tar heroin. I don't know why that's right. You know, and you know, it's what's funny about that story and You know, I'd use, you know, not funny funny, but it was my best me and my best friend at the time, who was also a type one diabetic, right? If you're seeing a trend here we were, she was living with me that summer at with my family. And we would go and hang out, you know, have dark parties with some other friends that were living there. And there was a guy there and it was like, it's opium. And I'm like, Okay, well, I guess that's fine. It smells good. And we both smoked it. And we're, yeah, it was after that, that we were told that it was actually black tar heroin. And yes.

Scott Benner 40:45
I thought I was doing I it's not my fault, Scott. I was trying to do opium. You can't blame me for doing heroin. It's a classic mistake. You know, how you hear people say, tomato tomahto. Like, you know, yeah, six, a one half a dozen? Oh, yeah. You know, yeah, opium heroin, whatever. But no, I mean, it put it, I laughed, because I'm not at eat. Well, let's be fair. It was. Yeah, it was. But um, but I'm laughing. I'm laughing at you being in a scenario where you could mistakenly do heroin. Because to me, to me to a person who doesn't like that's, like, that's a very avoidable thing is what I was thinking. Like, I've never mistakenly done heroin. You understand? It couldn't almost happen. Like I'm trying, I don't think it could happen. And so you're in your you're living but here, listen. Let's Let's back up for a second for all the moms that are listening right now and are getting ready to run their head through a wall thinking their little diabetic kids are going to do opium one day. I know. Don't worry, don't wait, hold on. Because first of all, Fair's fair, I think you get to at least cocaine without the diabetes. Yes, yes. That's you we're not set up for success is what I'm saying. Somehow you're an attorney. I can't wait to figure out how that happened. But, um, but anyway, like, the idea that, you know, I know. I don't imagine that this wouldn't happen to some degree. I just think I think of your I hate to say this, like your your life sounds like a bonfire to be. And then things just kept getting thrown on it. Like, yeah, you could have been born to two people who weren't drunk all the time. Right? And then they don't model that behavior. And you don't get those. You know, maybe some of that genetic, like predisposition. And then you go in a completely different direction, right. But then once you start doing it, like, like, if my kids were doing if my kids were drinking, when they were 12, I'm fairly certain I would have been aware of it. And then I have no doubt, yeah. And then I would have done something about it. Had that happened. And so, but you were in a position where they were like, I wish I know, we're not using your name, because it's sometimes it's unnatural not to use someone's name, but you're in a position where like, your father came in, found you passed out and was like, Look, I don't I don't want the chicken Hamburger Helper over here. But we're having to get cold. So let's just get her out here, sober up and keep moving. You know, like that would stop most people's lives. And so once you don't see any pushback, then you're just running forward. And now you're around a bunch of I mean, is it fair to say wealthy white kids?

Anonymous Female Speaker 43:47
Yes. You can't me. Yeah.

Scott Benner 43:52
I'm just saying, you got you got what they call white people problems when you start talking about, you know, it's not my fault. There was just so much cocaine at the bonfire party. You know, so you're around enough money to sub to hold up this lifestyle, and then I don't want to cast aspersions, but there are, I'm gonna cast them pretty hard. So hold on a second. I didn't even make it. I can take it. Well, it wasn't even about you. By the way. It was about the culture overall. Obviously, it's not everybody. Okay. But there is a culture where people make too much money for their own good. Their kids are rolling around and BMWs when they're 16. They've got cash in their pockets, and nobody's paying attention to them.

Anonymous Female Speaker 44:41
Sounds like you're UW when I turn 16.

Scott Benner 44:44
See, remember you said keep guessing Scott. I'll get you don't worry. Yeah. So and the reason I bring that up is just because I've seen it sometimes too. Like my son once said, You know, can I go to the shore house with these guys? And I was like, no, like, no, like, their parents weren't going to be there. And these kids had unlimited access to cash. And I was like, they definitely can't do that, you know. But I was stunned by the number of people who were allowed to do that. I'm stunned by people who say things like, oh, it's cool. If they drink here, they're going to do it somewhere. That's not true. Actually, there's a way to keep your kids from drinking. It's not that hard, actually, you control their life. You know, you don't want to make a hard decision that makes your kid mad at you, I get that. But don't tell me there's not a way to like manage a 14 year old into not doing cocaine, you can swing that. Yeah, that's not a heavy loaded parent.

Anonymous Female Speaker 45:51
It's not. And I think it's worth mentioning, too, that there's plenty of the of the kids that I grew up with that had an enormous amount of resources to sort of fund a lifestyle that would allow for them to be participating in this act, these activities that we've several have died, you know, that's where that goes, is overdose that several are struggling to this day and can't get out of that addiction. And it's, you know, it could have been avoided. Well, it's not, that's what's really sad.

Scott Benner 46:29
It's a gluttonous mindset, right? And without checks and balances, because you're a child, yeah. And you have nothing, there's no speed bumps. So you're just like, I'm going to do a thing, and then it happens, right? That's it, I'm gonna do a thing. And then it happens. I'll do it again. I can afford it, I can do it, we can drive to it, you know, like that, that sort of thing. And you feel autonomous, because you have the things you have a car, you know, you have access to money. And then there's no you can't govern yourself. Honestly, it's not that much different than social media.

Anonymous Female Speaker 47:02
Like if you, yeah, thought about it that way. But yeah, you drop

Scott Benner 47:05
tick tock on an eight year old, then they're going to be doing Lizzo dances in no time and not paying attention to their homework. Like, it's not that hard to figure out really. And so. And people aren't going to like to hear that. Because a lot of people are involved in a parenting is difficult. It's really hard, it takes a lot of your time up. It takes up a lot of your resources, and it is going to encompass a portion of your life, large enough that you will look back and think there are things I didn't do because I decided to be a parent. But yeah, you can still have a baby and be like, ag give her a car. She looks like she'll make it. You know? Do your parents do you speak to your parents?

Anonymous Female Speaker 47:47
I adore my parents, we are incredibly close. And we you know, the picture that I've painted so far, to be fair is not where we are, at this point, everybody has sought help. And yeah, as a family unit, we've just, I think having been in a dryer, things were pretty shitty. Everybody checked out. And you know, the 12 year olds running around, like, what she walks in. It's night and day. At this point,

Scott Benner 48:22
no, I listen, it's also very kind of you to come tell a story like this that you easily could have buried and kept behind you. So it is really nice. And I don't know, like it's, it's hard not to hear it and just think well try it a little bit, get an A mean, like, and but at the same time, I could, I could take the other side of this argument and tell you that your parents probably have significant issues of their own. And it got away from them. And they couldn't handle themselves, let alone another person. And they probably gave you a car because they wanted you to be safe. And they probably gave you money because they didn't want you to get stranded somewhere. I'm sure there was a lot of good intentions behind what they did.

Anonymous Female Speaker 49:00
Of course, and you know, honestly, what it was and what I've come to recognize it being as I'm become an adult, is they felt a lot of guilt for me that I had to live with type one diabetes, and so they thought that material things would make it better. But here we are.

Scott Benner 49:18
And just leaving you alone would be some sort of a gift not to not to like Lord over you. Right, yeah, right. You need a little lording over when your job. You know, somebody's gotta Yeah, everyone saw someone's got to point to you and go, Hey, listen to this stuff in the cabinet. It's not for you. I'm gonna tell you a terrible story right now. here but you judge my you can judge my dad. Okay. My son texted me this morning, as I think we said on the recording, he's lived alone for like two weeks. And he sent a text that said like, Hey, I got up this morning and realized I left a burner on my stove overnight. And it's like an electric stove and it was on like halfway and mean it didn't end up being any kind of an issue. Sure, but but he shared it with us because he was like, I can't believe I did that, you know, and like, like, I everyone knows what that feels like the first time you walk into your kitchen, you're like, oh my god that burners been on for three hours. And you just you feel that like that like, rush of like, I'm so glad we're all okay. You don't I mean, like, it's a little thing. But everybody gets that feeling, right. So I said to him, I said, Well, this is good, no harm, and you'll never do it again. You know, it'll stick in your head now. And then we started kind of like joking back and forth a little bit. Because I am a person who I always warn people about the oven being warm. Like, so. Don't laugh at me. Oh, this is a nice story. And so it's a really nice, it's a nice story, right? Till it's a hard so just hang in with me for a second. I want to throw in with you here on the honesty thing today. Okay, so like, I take a pot off the stove, and I move over to the sink. If there's anyone around me, even though they're seeing me walk away from the stove, I will gesture at the at the thing and I'll say, hey, that's hot. Or if I take something off and leave food in it, and when they come up to serve themselves with a head that that's hot, like I'm very much about I don't it just it's in me, right like a rule. Like I would never walk into work in a house like people who don't lock their doors. I don't understand how that happens. Because I don't cross a threshold without locking a door. And I don't know why. Okay, so But back to the the the oven thing. Do you know why I'm so cognizant of the the oven being dangerous?

Anonymous Female Speaker 51:34
I've got to imagine you've had some sort of interaction with an oven before that. Did not go well. But that would be a guess.

Scott Benner 51:41
I grabbed something. My father stopped me. And then to teach me it was hot. He held my hand over the fire.

Anonymous Female Speaker 51:49
Oh, my gosh, well

Scott Benner 51:50
see how terrible that is? Yeah. And I don't care. Well, who knows why? Seriously, I'm dead. Quiet. Why not? Why am I not 12 years old, crushing up barbiturates and putting them in whiskey. Like seriously? Like, I don't know why it happens to some people, not the others. seems wrong. I should at least have had a little bit of a problem. Don't you think?

Anonymous Female Speaker 52:13
I know you missed out.

Scott Benner 52:17
I want to be clear. Hey, it was a lot of fun. It's a childhood memory. I don't think he barbecued the skin off my hand or anything. I don't I did have a second degree burn. But he scared the living daylights out of me. While he had a hold of my wrist and he was moving me towards the flame. I propolis. And here's probably what really happened. I probably got anywhere near the heat, and he probably pulled it right away. But I'll tell you what, say what you will. I'm all about love and safety. Oh, by the way, please. I am not telling anyone to do that or that. I think that's a good idea. I was just I just wanted to outline that, you know, nobody's parents are perfect. And, and it's bizarre. It's bizarre to see that something can happen to one person and then happen to another and their lives go in completely different directions. It's like it really is. It's interesting. So Alright, so let's not glamorize your hellacious life, but you're saying yeah, through your 20s through your 20s acid, other things like that, like you were going pretty hard, like through college. Right?

Anonymous Female Speaker 53:28
Yeah. And you know, I think I did have two years of sobriety, I was a member of, of AAA, very active one. And I think that, that time is what truly saved my life. Like, even though I'm not still a part of that program, pumping the brakes, and getting a sponsor a woman who could sit me down and be like, Look, you've made a mess of your life, and we need to do something about that. Like, I am forever grateful. And it was a consequence of getting a DWI, when I was 21. And which is driving while impaired is what we call it in the state that I live in, so like a doobie. But that that truly is what it finally finally pumped the brakes.

Scott Benner 54:23
And that that legal issue moved you towards taking care of yourself. It did.

Anonymous Female Speaker 54:28
And you know, what's funny is that I was so upset about how my parents were going to react and I was just thinking like, they're gonna be so mad at me. And the way that they found found out is that my driver's license it still had my home address because I was in often college at my home, address back home. And so legal stuff sort of getting sent, you know, how lawyers, those lawyers, they'll start sending you like stuff in the mail too. And My dad comes up to where I was living to talk to me. And he was driven there by my mom, which was weird. Like, that was not a normal thing. And he's like, yeah, by the way, I just got a DWI as well. So we both that DWI is at the same time.

Scott Benner 55:18
So just a little commiseration, then. And, and by any chance, did you get a buy one get one free with the attorney?

Anonymous Female Speaker 55:26
No, that's a no sure did.

Scott Benner 55:30
So even in Yeah, is that interesting? So are your I don't even know how to put this. Like, that's an interesting decision by your parents. Like, like, I don't even think I would tell you that. You don't I mean, like I wouldn't want to normal. Yeah.

Anonymous Female Speaker 55:47
Yeah. I think it was more, you know, I'd never really thought about that being weird decision for them to make. I think that they thought that I would probably figure it out. Because if I typed in my last name into the court calendars to see when my court dates were and stuff, my dad's name would pop up. And so I think they just figured out figured it out. Anyway.

Scott Benner 56:07
So interesting. Oh, my God. Alright, so yeah, you're you get moving in the right direction. You go to grad school, I guess gonna go to law school, right.

Anonymous Female Speaker 56:16
So I take some time off between undergrad and law school, which I'm grateful for worked. Just kind of a, I did fast food. I did. Worked in, like a grocery store, local grocery store chain, I did all sorts of stuff to sort of figure it out. And I'm glad I did, because I finally got to experience what the real was like, and kind of get some experience under me that I needed. And has been so helpful. As I've gotten older, and in my professional life.

Scott Benner 56:56
Yeah. Well, I mean, so you got grounded, basically. Yeah. You found a way you found a way to like, live the way people are supposed to live with some responsibility. And not everything just falls in our lap. And yeah, expectations. Yeah, limits. Yeah.

Anonymous Female Speaker 57:16
And I always worked. Like, throughout high school and college I was, I was always really, really good. I was a great student, top of the class. And so I always worked really, really hard academically, but maybe other things. I was sheltered from looking back. Were you doing that's

Scott Benner 57:38
Yeah, you were doing the things that you were supposed like, like to continue on, on the we're doing well, like gravy train, like, get good grades, learn how to do something where you can make money. So you can buy yourself your own BMW one day like that kind of. Yeah. Yeah, there was expectation set. But no, like no real world perspective. Yes. Interesting. Wow. Okay, so what kind of law do you practice?

Anonymous Female Speaker 58:08
I do family and criminal law.

Scott Benner 58:11
Do you ever bump into people where you're like, Oh, I did this one.

Anonymous Female Speaker 58:16
Yeah, honestly. And I bumped into people that I grew up with.

Scott Benner 58:23
Oh, wow. Did they look at you like you made it out?

Anonymous Female Speaker 58:27
I don't I don't know. I think that they, I truly don't know.

Scott Benner 58:33
Has anyone ever looked across the courtroom at you and went, Hey, I did heroin with that girl one time Don't listen to her.

Anonymous Female Speaker 58:40
Well, we thought it was opium. I would love

Scott Benner 58:43
I just want that. So that that's how you would answer like, Your Honor. Listen, in fairness, we thought that was opium.

Anonymous Female Speaker 58:50
And we were 16. You know, it's not that big of a deal. We're dumb. No, no, not at all. I, I think that I don't want to speak for them too much. But I think what I've encountered with them is that they feel a sense of shame. And I hate that for them. A couple of people I

Scott Benner 59:11
grew up with, got into cocaine when we were in high school. And I kind of just distanced myself from them, as I saw that happening. And one of them lived a pretty a fairly tortured life through their 20s and 30s. And, and, you know, into their 40s and then pulled themselves together and became an attorney and then made a family and had a baby and then had a heart attack and died at a very young age. And the heart attack is generally speaking attributed to the the, the beating that they gave their body from the drugs. And it somehow was and this isn't right. It should have been this story should be that whole way, but it's sometimes it's somehow it was sad or because he had pulled it together. Right? You know, like it just it struck me harder that way, which isn't fair to people, because people who have not yet pulled it together, they could write, like, just he got lucky and met a person who helped them. And, and everybody could have that, you know, like you you've had your exactly your DWI. And that helped you. And so yeah, did you turn were you able to like, my one question I forgot to ask you back then is that when you decided to make a change? You didn't know anybody to go to? So Right. So if it wasn't for the I'm assuming the court orders the AAA and then you meet a reasonable person in AAA? Is that how it happens?

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:00:43
Yes, they ordered a and intensive outpatient treatment,

Scott Benner 1:00:49
because you're not surrounded by any reasonable people prior to that.

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:00:55
Event, even if I was that their voices were not as loud as all the others. So

Scott Benner 1:01:02
I'd be scared and hold on. Yeah, yeah. And the legal troubles scared you or, or the parents knowing that you were doing that stuff. What scared you more?

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:01:18
I think, realizing just how out of hand it had gotten, I think it had normalized to me, because I had been doing it from such a young age that that never occurred to me that the decisions I was making were destructive, not only to myself, but now we've got innocent people on the road. And here I come. I carried a lot of guilt about that. And I never wanted to put other people in that position. Again, I think I finally it was just the shaman always been there. But it was bad. And when they put me in the drunk tank, and I didn't really have anybody to call to come get me out. It's just like, I can't keep doing this. I've got my whole life ahead of me, and I'm not getting anything positive out of it.

Scott Benner 1:02:18
I think if this is me, after an hour talking to you, well, that's not fair an hour, 20 minutes, 20 minutes where you couldn't make the headset work in it. But I think one of your superpowers might be that I think you genuinely are a nice person.

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:02:32
Thank you. And I would like to think so. I've I do care a lot about other people. I really do. Almost too much. And I just I think too, I've always been incredibly sensitive person. And, and I've just wanted to at times when things when the going got rough. Dole that out a little bit. There's too much there's too much. But there's other ways of doing that.

Scott Benner 1:03:07
Yeah, like, go for a jog.

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:03:11
Oh, God, no. It'd be one of those scary

Scott Benner 1:03:13
jockey people that jog at like six in the morning and five in the morning and think you see them you're like, why is that happening? And then you know, now they're just trying to stop themselves from doing heroin.

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:03:25
Mistakenly? Yeah.

Scott Benner 1:03:27
Well, well, I'm sorry. On purpose. Yeah, opium?

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:03:30
Yeah. I think I just there, you're, you're, yeah, no, I, I've always just been a sensitive from the time I was a child until I mean, that's, that's who I am just trying to find my place in the world and getting kind of bumped around while doing it. And I did have stuff in my life. That just like we've already alluded to, lit a match and threw it on the gasoline that was already there. And it took it's taken a lot of work to undo that. But I really I don't think I would change anything. I do think the lessons and things that I've learned along the way, are what helped me to help people that I could easily see myself being in their same position and, and sort of an empathy and a compassion for people that might otherwise not be shown it by whether it be the justice system or society or what have you that there's always something more going on beneath the surface and in sort of trying to understand what went wrong in their lives and how can I help them without judgment,

Scott Benner 1:04:48
that's a that's needed in the world. And there's not enough of that. Maybe, yeah, maybe you went through your things so you could provide it for other people, you know, and it sounds what you're doing too. You know, there's I don't think there's many babies that come out and are predisposed to have problems their whole lives. You know, like you, you get there through decisions that adults make around you first. And, you know, that could be anything from, you know, that you know, nature nurture, like all that stuff, honestly. And you were able to finally like back out enough to see yourself to, which was a big, it just shows like what value there is just pausing sometimes. And just stepping back, right evaluating yourself, you know? Yeah. Did you I have a couple of questions around diabetes, people are like, Oh, good, okay. I listen to this diabetes podcast, and it's a how to on how to do heroin.

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:05:52
How not to rap. By the way, if

Scott Benner 1:05:53
you're a kid, and you're listening, like if this story doesn't make you think I am not doing cocaine or heroin, I don't know you were gonna do it anyway. Because they've been this is a this is a tale of what not to do. But how would you possibly managing your blood sugar's like when you were bloated?

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:06:09
Yeah. You know, I used to take a lot of pride in that in, which might be like, a little sick, I don't know. But I've just, I had a lot of really great resources, young, and starting out a lot of education surrounding diabetes. I had a fantastic team, I had a mom who was a nurse and helped me understand how everything works. And so the diabetes was never really that much of an issue. I knew how alcohol would affect my blood sugar. I knew what I needed to do to be safe. It just was fortunate enough to have such good resources that even on even when I'm, you know, wasted, I It's like, autopilot. I know what to do. Yeah. And I'm, and look, there's there were times when, you know, there was some close calls. And I don't know why that those were not wake up calls for me. But but for the most part, I had it under control, which was exhausting, honestly, to have to balance that on top of the diabetes.

Scott Benner 1:07:35
Yeah. So like low blood sugars that were dangerous, things like that. Yes. Yep. Thanks for your like later, like, Oh, I almost died. Yeah,

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:07:45
my dad, actually, I was at a house party. It was a PJ party. So that's like a kind of a drink, where you pour every kind of alcohol into a cooler, sugar and loaded up and all that. And I was 16. I was in high school. And my dad had to come and carry me out at the party. I had passed out I was unconscious. I couldn't really tell you any more about what happened. But fortunately, there was another type one diabetic there who helped me and was like, No, we need to call somebody. I really, truly think that if she hadn't been there, nobody would have done anything for me.

Scott Benner 1:08:34
Yeah, they would, they would have thought you were drunk, and they just would have left up. Yeah, I heard a story like that once about a kid in college who got real loaded. Nobody around him knew he had diabetes. And his parents had to like drive hours to the school to like, collect him from the floor of the house and take them to the hospital. And they only just they couldn't get a hold of him. So they just drove to where it was. Yeah. Well, that's the horrible. Okay, so my last thing to ask you like, my last upbeat question is you somehow had an eating disorder in there as well.

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:09:14
Yeah. That in self harm, just checking all the boxes. Yeah. So I think I was getting messages as a, as a girl in pressure to look some type of way. And, you know, I've never I've never been overweight, I don't know. But it's, it's difficult. It was a difficult struggle. And I put so much weight on, like, a number on a scale. And I think that that came from the diabetes, I think, I became so obsessed with what my blood sugar was, you know, and attributing that as a judgment on my value as a human being and So it would, I would say that di bulimia and anorexia were almost like, it was a natural outcome of like that obsession and stuff. But I definitely attribute it to that, if that makes any sense it

Scott Benner 1:10:20
does for you. And I mean that like, kindly, but you because those same pressures, don't send some people in that direction. That's the thing that I'm endlessly fascinated by when I'm talking to people. And I'll bring it up sometimes, like when I'm talking to Erica, about some of the like, more mental health stuff. But it's fascinating that you could put two people in the same pressure cooker and one of them comes out one way and one comes out the other way. Like your story. Yeah. Listen, there's a person out here out here somewhere who's like, oh, I had alcoholic parents too. I just like I went the other way. And, you know, I, I was great with my numbers, too. And there was a lot of pressure, but I never felt like blah, blah, blah. Like, you don't mean like, it's just it's, it's, it's somehow, like, I'm using the word fascinating. But it's, it's sad. Like, it's just like, why does it work this way for somebody and not that way for everybody? seems unfair, right? Honestly, of all the things. And what do you like? Like, I listen, I just saw a post on the Facebook group last night where a mom was looking for a facility to take a child who, who came to her and said that she was anorexic. And so what do you think parents should be looking for? And then what do you think they should do when they see it? What would have helped you?

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:11:46
You know, I? I think that's a great question. And what I immediately think back on is when I was younger, in fact, when I was about 12. And back then there was no getting like your a one C back the same day that you go to the endocrinologist, what would happen is, you would get a letter in the mail, maybe two weeks later, that tells you all the good news or bad news. And I remember getting this letter where my agency had gone up a little bit, I couldn't tell you what it was, but in all capital letters, the doctor wrote, This is bad. This needs to change and, and stuff like that. And I just cried and cried because I knew how hard I had worked and that I was having a difficult time. Yeah. And from, it's stuff like that, that writes on the slate of who you are. And so I started to attribute that as my value as a person. And I think that while parents need to be honest with their kids, you know, this blood sugar is high, like, here's what you need to do we need to work on it or, you know, maybe eat this instead of that, or this affects your blood sugar's in this ways. Keep it general, like don't try to ascribe good bad, right or wrong to these numbers. Because I know myself and many other diabetics really internalize that. And it adds like this shame that is so hard to just snap out of. And I've carried that with me for a long time and got the help I need with needed with it, but not without getting some bumps and bruises along the way.

Scott Benner 1:13:53
Yeah, I would add them point out that you should handle it that way. Whether you think your kid is the one who will rise above this or not, because you very well may be wrong about who they are. Right. And even though we're not using your name, if people could see you. They still they'd be stunned at this is your story. And I know that's not exactly like, I know people like what does it matter what people look like it? It matters in this situation? Because I know what you look like, and you don't look like this happened to you? You don't like I don't I don't know how to put that into words. But you are not the one that I would have put this on. Do you know what I mean?

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:14:34
Yeah, yeah, I do. And so it's always interesting. I, you know, obviously my husband knows the story, but I'm really good at like, like I said, I'm a bit of a chameleon. And it's,

Scott Benner 1:14:52
yeah, no, that's my that's my point, by the way is that if somebody's listening to this and thinking, Oh, that's not how my kids gonna handle this. Like, you might don't know, you know, you might

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:15:01
not know. And that's what I wanted to essentially say is that, especially going to diabetes camp, I mean, some of the best friends I've made. In this world, I met at diabetes camp, because one week out of my life as a 12 1314, even 16 year old, I was normal, quote, unquote, normal. If you didn't have diabetes, then you were weird. And so we have really strong bonds. And I can tell you, that not not all of them, but I can point to particular ones where I see substance abuse, like I think that can be a part of the puzzle sometimes for people and, and so just to, like, it's not automatic, and it's not everybody, but just to be aware that some of us are really, really good at hiding this. And we just don't want to let people down. We don't know how to ask for help. And, and I just want parents to know that sometimes it's okay to interfere with your, with your kids and say, Look, something's going on. What is it? And they might push back, but they need that.

Scott Benner 1:16:19
If you just lock them in the room without their phone for a couple hours, they'll break. It's not a bit it doesn't take them long. Yeah, well just don't know where Instagram is. But I'm gonna have to come clean. Now. You know, there have been plenty of people who have come on here, a handful at least and said that, you know, they've had eating disorders diet bulimia, to be specific, and they learned how to do it at diabetes camp. I'll never forget a woman telling me I, I would have never known that I could have done this with my insulin to lose weight. It was my own sort of my food to lose weight. Had I not gone to diabetes camp. And that's where people showed me how to do it. So even that's a coin. Everything's a coin flip Mallory. It is yeah. Oh, that's your episode name. This is after dark coin flip.

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:17:02
Well, that's perfectly fine flip.

Scott Benner 1:17:03
That's great. I'm so happy that came up with that. Because I all my only notice l wi living with living while impaired is what I had. Going with coins, but I mean, honestly like it right? It's just that. I don't know. You know what I mean? Have you ever gone out in the heavy rain and like, put a paper cup and running water and watched it go one way and ran down to the bottom of the hill and got it and brought it back up and down. And again, cup ends up on the other side of the road? Like it's just sort of? I have? No, it's because you grew up in a time where people had digital stuff to keep them busy. But I was bored out of my mind. And we used to do stuff like that all the time. Like we'd go make little boats in the house, and then brace them in the rain and stuff. And I can remember as a kid thinking like, Why does it always go to the same place? And that's how it makes me feel talking to you. Like, I feel like if I could have grabbed you when you were 11 and ran you back up to the hill and dropped you back in again. Like you might have come out somewhere else.

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:18:09
But there's no no way to tell, you know. Yeah.

Scott Benner 1:18:12
And I love your attitude that you're like, listen, I went through it. And here I am. Because by the way, you're a respectable person now. Right? Yeah, yeah.

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:18:21
I mean, I would. Certainly Yeah,

Scott Benner 1:18:24
certainly. Yeah. Little cocaine once in a while. What are we talking about?

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:18:31
I mean, like, I would never buy it, but if it's offered now.

Scott Benner 1:18:36
I'm sure you tell people you're gonna keep your job. Yeah,

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:18:39
just Yeah. I mean, because who can tell at this point, but no, and, and, you know, I think that I, behind the scenes, you know, certainly had in the past, or was doing things that were just like, Well, okay, but always maintain appearances of, of being one way or the other and respectable. And I would argue, like, I've always been respectable, deep down, but now on someone. Now I have self respect. Like, that's what I'm getting at is that I respect myself, I have a wonderful husband, I want to have a family and I respect myself to take care of myself to be there for them as long as I can and to and to show up and, and be present. Like that's what it's all about. presence of mind and not trying to check out because at a certain point, it's you know, it can get kind of selfish and I don't want to call people with substance abuse issue selfish there. It is not what I'm saying at all, but people who love you and care about you want you to be present with them.

Scott Benner 1:19:49
Why have a couple of questions? Is your husband like, like, what's the what's the ying and the yang? Here's like the worst thing your husband ever did was like the sold candy bars, wants a middle school and kept one of the candy bars for himself. We're similar paths to yours. Like, which way did you go when you were picking?

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:20:06
I think we could keep up with each other in the past. Gotcha. Yeah. But he both of us are sort of, like, come out the other side unfortunately, have because when you spend a lot of your life involved in, in that sort of scene, you not everybody makes it out alive. And that's a coin flip. Honestly, yeah. Why? Why am I still here? Why? You know, and so I never want to lose sight of that and be grateful for that.

Scott Benner 1:20:39
You do you have any fear that you'll have a baby one day, it'll come out riding or whatever bong and dabbing.

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:20:48
You know, I, honestly, I don't think fear is the right word. I think, if that happens, that I am so equipped to spot it. And like, my husband, and I joke all the time, like, our kids are not getting away with. Like, they're never, they're never gonna, because we're, you know, so in tune with, with what that looks like and know the impact that it had on us as we were younger. And so honestly, most of the fear that I have about my kids, is just that. I don't know, their fear yet. But I'll let you know later.

Scott Benner 1:21:38
Will you drink in front of your children and normalize drinking?

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:21:42
That is a question that I had never asked myself. I hadn't even thought of it honestly. And it makes me wonder if you would ask my parents that question. When they were contemplating becoming parents, how they wouldn't want to change know what to say either.

Scott Benner 1:22:00
Yeah, but it might have been it might have really changed your life.

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:22:04
It might have and look there, they are only doing what was done to them. Generation after generation.

Scott Benner 1:22:12
Yeah, well, listen, you go back a couple more generations. Everyone's drunk. Seriously? Yeah. Yeah, everyone's smoking cigarettes, and everyone's drinking in the 60s. Like, you know, 6070s, like right in there before that. All those poor, you know, there's people that came home from World War Two, like, there's a lot going on in there. There's the Korean wars in there, Vietnam, and they're like, there's a lot of people like medicating themselves through that 50 years. From there, you know, but I was just wondering, because it's funny, like, I mean, it probably makes it sound like I'm like, if you drink, you're bad, and your kids are gonna be addicts. And I'm like, I don't think that necessarily, but again, you really want to flip that coin, like, it might come up heads, you know, and so you got to make a decision, I will tell you, I will say something that I probably shouldn't say on here, but whatever. There are people in my close family, my children have never been in a car with them. And when my children asked why they couldn't get in the car with them, we told them it was because they drink and drive. My kids have always known that's why they're not allowed to ride in the car with those people. So I think we never we didn't demonize them about it, or like paint some horrible picture that they were bad people was just very matter of fact, they, you know, they drink a lot. And you never know when they're going to be drinking. And so I can't put you in a position where they'd be in control of you in a in a moving car. And, and that's. So I've always looked back on that decision to tell my kids that and to actually follow through because there were a couple of times where there was a lot of pressure. And yeah, and we always stuck fast to it. And I actually feel like that's part of the reason why my kids have the feeling they have about alcohol. Like I think it was it was model. Yeah.

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:24:01
And I tend to remember. Yeah, in fact, I tend to remember an episode where he you spoke about I think Arden was with a friend of hers, and they had the family had gone out to dinner and the parents were intoxicated and she did not want to get in the car is Am I remembering that correctly?

Scott Benner 1:24:24
It's very possible, although I've recorded like 150 of these. So I've also forgotten things that as I've been reminded of them, I'm stunned that I can't I don't remember. So it's hard for me. I will tell you when we're done recording I'll tell you on that like flipped me out that I completely forgot that threw me off. But here's the problem. I gotta go I have another recording and a little bit. I'm so sorry. If you only could have figured out that headset sooner we could have gone a little longer.

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:24:52
Okay, no worries.

Scott Benner 1:24:53
You're really delightful. You To Know You're lovely. Thank you had a great time. Yeah, I appreciate You're doing this very, very much this is this is the, you're the first person who has been like, listen, I was drinking when I was 12. I don't mean that in a funny way, like, I've laughed at you for reasons that I'm sure people will be mad at me for later. But I, I appreciate you saying that. Like, it's, it's it's not that uncommon. And somebody should say it out loud once in a while. Yeah, yeah, it's not it's just not. Yeah. I don't know, to me, it's not worth the chance. I, you know, maybe you have a good argument, like those of you who would be like if they they're gonna drink, so I'll have them drink here. Maybe that's a good argument. I don't know. I, I chose to go with nobody's drinking. And because you're 10 Yeah, I mean, or because you're 15? Or because you're whatever. And, you know, anyway, listen, let me say this, though. I don't get to do whatever you want. Let's matter. Yeah, I mean, seriously, I don't care. But it's, it's still it's the way it strikes me.

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:26:01
It's I think it's not worth flipping the coin and just let kids figure it out. I don't ever want to normalize it the way that it was for me. And so I'll leave you with that.

Scott Benner 1:26:14
Plus, think of how exciting and fun it will be, like 35 years from now. How old will you be in 30 years? You'll be like 707 66? Yeah, imagine you 68 Sitting you're like 29 year old kids down and being like, hey, here's a thing, daddy, and I never told you. And then tell him about the time he smoked heroin by mistake because you thought it was opium? Or let him listen to this podcast be like, I don't know if you guys know this. But years ago used to be things called podcasts. Let me just get this out for you. So you can listen to this real quick. That's mommy. Yeah, I know. And anyway, I'll see you in an hour and a half after you listen to this. They just think of watching their face while they listen. While they're just like, like, like, like, imagine your kids taking off futuristic headsets and turning to each other and going. Hey, at least she wasn't having sex when she was 12. Like you don't I mean? Like, like it just Oh, it'd be so much fun. Yeah, meanwhile,

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:27:11
I'm still trying to get my headset to work still. 35 years from now?

Scott Benner 1:27:15
Well, exactly. You'll still have problems with technology, but your kids will be like, That's why there was no clock in the house. Get out of here. Okay. I get it now know that it'll be so much fun to come. Please do not tell them before their brains are solidified.

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:27:31
I can give you that.

Scott Benner 1:27:34
Oh, my God. Well, I appreciate I listened again. This was terrific. Thank you very much. Hold on for me for one second. Okay. Okay, thanks. Want to thank my guest today. And then I want to thank Omni pod for sponsoring this episode of The Juicebox Podcast, Omni pod.com forward slash use box, go take those pods for a test drive or just get started with the Omni pod five. With the Omni pod dash, you can't decide. But you kind of know what you're thinking about, right? Do you want the algorithm or don't you do want the five you want the algorithm, you don't want the dash? You're halfway there. Omni pod.com forward slash juicebox. Get your seats to the touch by type one of touched by type but one event, get your seats to the touched by type one event at touched by type one.org. And don't forget to find them and follow us on Facebook, and Instagram. I'll see you in September, at touch by type ones big event. A diabetes diagnosis comes with a lot of new terminology. And that's why I've created the defining diabetes series. These are short episodes, where Jenny Smith and I go over all of the terms that you're going to hear living with diabetes, and some of them that you might not hear every day, from the very simple Bolus up to feed on the floor. Don't know the difference between hypo and hyper will explain it to you. These are short episodes, they are not boring. They're fun, and they're informative. It's not just us reading to you out of the dictionary, we take the time to chat about all of these different words. Maybe you don't know what a cool small respiration is, you will when you're done. Ever heard of a glycemic index and load haven't doesn't matter. You will know after you listen to the defining diabetes series. Now, how do you find it, you go to juicebox podcast.com up top to the menu and click on defining diabetes. You'll be able to listen right there in your browser. Or you'll see the full list of the episodes and be able to go into an audio app like Apple podcasts or Spotify and listen to them at your pace. Download them into your phone and listen when you can. The defining diabetes series is made up of 51 short episodes. That will fast forward your knowledge of diabetes terminology