#678 After Dark: Nolan's Story

May 9, 2022Scott Benner

Jen has type 1 diabetes and is here to tell Nolan's Story of addiction, mental illness and overdosing.

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DISCLAIMER: This text is the output of AI based transcribing from an audio recording. Although the transcription is largely accurate, in some cases it is incomplete or inaccurate due to inaudible passages or transcription errors and should not be treated as an authoritative record. Nothing that you read here constitutes advice medical or otherwise. Always consult with a healthcare professional before making changes to a healthcare plan.

Scott Benner 0:00
Hello friends, and welcome to episode 678 of the Juicebox Podcast.

On today's episode of The Juicebox Podcast we have another in the after dark series. I'll be speaking today with Jen who has type one diabetes, and is the mother of three children. Her son Nolan had type one diabetes, and he also struggled with addiction. Jen does a very brave thing today sharing Nolan's story with all of us. And I'd like to thank her right now, for what must have been a very difficult hour. She was honest and open, as she discussed Nolan's life and his struggles. Please remember that nothing you hear on the Juicebox Podcast should be considered advice, medical or otherwise, always consult a physician before making any changes to your health care plan, or becoming bold with insulin. If you are a US resident who has type one diabetes, or is the caregiver of someone with type one, spending a few minutes today at T one D exchange.org. Forward slash juicebox. Taking their survey will help people with type one diabetes, T one D exchange.org. Forward slash juicebox. Take the survey

this episode of The Juicebox Podcast is sponsored by touched by type one, a wonderful organization doing amazing things for people with type one diabetes, learn more about them on their Instagram page, their Facebook page, or at touched by type one.org. The podcast is also sponsored by the Contour Next One blood glucose meter. Learn more Get started today. Or just buy the thing at contour next one.com forward slash juice box. My daughter's meter is a great meter. And I think you're gonna like it to contour next one.com forward slash juice box.

Jen 2:11
Hello, my name is Jen. I am a type one diabetic and the mother of a recently deceased type one diabetic.

Scott Benner 2:18
Okay, Jen, I know you from the private Facebook group. Yes. How long have you been in that space?

Jen 2:28
In the private Facebook group? Gosh, probably less probably about a year. Okay. We not that. Yeah.

Scott Benner 2:35
Yeah, not not all that long. The group might not even be like two and a half years old. So you could have been there for a very long time. And it not been that long. On the calendar. I guess that my I'd like to ask you a little bit about yourself first, I guess. How old are you now? And how old are you? Where are you when you were diagnosed?

Jen 2:57
So I was I'm 48 years old now. And I was diagnosed around age 40. I have what they call led a diabetes. I had a very slow onset, they thought that I was a type two until I almost died. Well, one doctor knew that I was the type one. He tested me for the autoimmune antibody. And I had that. And so he diagnosed me as type one. And I was proud 4041 When that happened

Scott Benner 3:34
prior to that, were you struggling with diabetes and nobody had tested you.

Jen 3:39
You know, I had I had gestational diabetes. And no, I hadn't had it really tested other than the gestational. My sugar stayed high. After I had my baby. We don't really know how long I had I sugars. But I was having trouble with getting infections. I got pinkeye maybe 20 times. And I wouldn't I just kept getting pinkeye. And so they checked me and started me on Metformin, which did not do anything and I just continued to get sicker and sicker. Put me on a couple of other type two medications. And then I went into the UK and had to have I got cholecystitis, which means my gallbladder had gall stones. And I had to have my gallbladder out. And they found out that I was a type one. So they did they finally did a fasting C peptide and checking in those type one

Scott Benner 4:41
from this. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to cut you off. Nope, that's okay. Go ahead. I was gonna say from the time that you began to not feel well. From I guess the question is, from the time you were gestational till the time you realize something was wrong was how long? About five years? You're okay. And then from that time until somebody told you you had Lada How long was that?

Jen 5:08
I'm sorry. So it was about it was not feeling well continued after I had my child, my youngest. And it was about five years until they said that I have IDs.

Scott Benner 5:19
I see. Okay. All right, Jen. I hate to say this because we went through so much trouble before we started, but I don't know if I like the headphones. I might. I might try without I might just ask you to go through the phone. Yeah.

Jen 5:34
Okay, one moment, okay. Is not a problem now. Thank you. I gotta turn them off. Hold on a second. Okay, how's that?

Scott Benner 5:49
Yeah, it's probably going to be better than the headphones straight in your longer sentences. They strain. I don't know how to put that other than when you speak more than a few words. Your, your, your ladder words in those sentences start to kind of drift away. So okay, yeah,

Jen 6:05
just just a moment. Now, is it better now like this? Yeah, you're

Scott Benner 6:09
fine like that. Okay. So I'll keep it off speaker

Jen 6:12
and on the phone. Okay, thanks. Yeah,

Scott Benner 6:16
it just sucks because you've got to be cognizant of your hair, not touching the phone and like all kinds of little things that make noises, like whatever that is, and like, you know, that kind of stuff. So just do your best to find a spot where you're comfortable. Okay, okay. So you this all happen after your youngest. So how many children have you had?

Jen 6:35
I have three children? Three. I had Nolan, Patrick and lemon is my youngest. What are their ages? So lemon is 13. Patrick is 21. And Nolan passed at age 24. Just a couple of weeks after his 24th birthday.

Scott Benner 6:52
Oh, one right after his 24th Okay. And you were about 24 When you had Nolan.

Jen 6:58
Yep. I was 23. Okay.

Scott Benner 7:02
So you have type one diabetes. Am had no one been diagnosed at this point yet?

Jen 7:10
Yeah, he was he was diagnosed before I was he was diagnosed at age seven. Okay. And yeah, I think if he hadn't been diagnosed, I likely would not have even gone to the doctor for what was going on with me. I would have just chalked it up to being old.

Scott Benner 7:26
being old. I don't know. I don't know how old you are. 3030 some years old. But I hear what you're saying. Well,

Jen 7:31
but with the first time you're 30, you don't know what it's like to be 30.

Scott Benner 7:35
Yeah. So no, I understand. I just would have seen like, oh, I guess this is the path of my health. And right, that's right. I understand. So let's talk a little bit about when Owen was diagnosed, how did you figure that out?

Jen 7:51
Well, that was interesting. He was he was getting infections that wouldn't go away. And I'd taken them to the pediatrician. Oh, gosh, it seems like every other week, I was in nursing school. And I remember, I just took him to the pediatrician so much because he had sinus infections. And then he had this big, swollen parotid gland. So that's right on your jawbone. And he just had his face was uneven. And so I took him in. And they said, well, hmm, I don't know. I don't know what this is. And we did some blood work. He did like a complete blood count. He didn't do a sugar. He didn't do a metabolic panel, otherwise, we would have known. And then I took him and he sent me over to an en te to look at the parotid while the en eyes went to two different un and T's because one was just kind of a mean guy, and I didn't like him. And the other wanted to operate on him right away. And by that time, I was in nursing school, and we were learning a little bit about diabetes. And by that time, Nolan had started to wet the bed. So that was a big flash for me, though. Well, he's wetting the bed. So I took him. They wanted to schedule surgery, and I said, Well, shouldn't we just find out there? He's not diabetic first, because he's wetting the bed. And he said, No, he's wetting the bed because of his adenoids. And I said, That's it. And I said, Give me his medical records. So I took him over to my doctor, who on December 20 2000 tour said, Sure, we can do a blood sugar check. And we did a blood sugar check. And he was up in the seven hundreds hadn't eaten, because he had been vomiting that day. I mean, he was diabetic. And so he referred us

Scott Benner 9:45
to imagine right? He was he was in decay as well.

Jen 9:49
You Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. He had fruity breath, all the things that you look for. And they actually he referred us to a pediatrician who was an internist. Just at their office. So he came in and scroll down. One U, H for our Q 15. One for you l QD, meaning one unit for every 15 carbs of human login meal time, and then four units of Lantis daily and send us home. You didn't go to the hospital? Yeah, my dad came in and said, you know, arguably a lot of people would say you should go to the hospital. Do you want to do that? And at the time, I was an idiot. And I was like, Well, no, the hospital means he's sicker. Okay, so we went home with no blood sugar meter with a script for insulin, and a kid that we could very easily kill that day. Yeah. So yeah, that's what it was. That's how that happened.

Scott Benner 10:49
What was at that time, if I'm, if I'm doing the math right here, Patrick's around four years old. Maybe you have two small kids. Yeah, yeah. And are you a nurse now? Did you finish nursing school?

Jen 11:02
I did finish nursing school. Yes. And yes, I'm an RN, now, okay.

Scott Benner 11:06
Yeah. What was life, like, growing up with a kid who had type one, you know, what was? What was the pathway for you and for him,

Jen 11:18
you know, I, I submerged myself into the diabetes world, spent every moment on on websites and research and looking for why this happened. I was still in school. And in school, it was funny, because I was learning the opposite of what I was learning in real life about diabetes. So I had to really kind of temper myself for school and make sure I passed the tests by giving the wrong answers. Just because nursing care for diabetes is not very succinct. It's not very, it's not what people with diabetes do. I started to volunteer at diabetes camp, we started sending Nolan to camp and I just really immersed myself in the world of diabetes to the point that, you know, I think my family missed me. I think I missed him a little bit, I think that I, I put so much into this tragedy that happened to my son and trying to make it better and trying to find the best care for him and do the best that I could for him that I think in some ways, I kind of lost him. I forgot that he was a whole person.

Scott Benner 12:31
You just, you just saw the diabetes.

Jen 12:35
I saw him too, but I felt so I've just really wanted to make it as good as possible. You know, and just really make sure that he was getting the best care possible. And that and that, you know, we we fought it.

Scott Benner 12:50
Was it were things not good? Or was that just your perception that they you're trying to get them back to perfect?

Jen 12:59
I think it's my perception. I think he was doing well. I mean, his his a onesies were all great. He was doing well. He he took it in stride. like you wouldn't believe there were some battles when he got older, but he just really took it well. I think that just the regular things about a child kind of fell by the wayside. And I don't think anyone minded or thought any different of it, but in retrospect, I see that now that you know, he was a musician. We did We did music stuff with him. We took him to the conservatory and he did his drumming there and stuff and, and you know, but I feel like it was always me falling behind going, Oh, your sugar, sugar, you know, and you do you have to you have to make sure they're okay and not landing in the hospital. So really, it's a fine line, taking care of a kid with diabetes.

Scott Benner 13:58
So, okay, I guess knowing the rest of the story is tainting how I'm asking my questions, but Sure, but I guess there's no way around that honestly. Sure. Is there any chance that Hindsight is making you think this like when did you start coming to this conclusion I guess

Jen 14:19
I think I started coming to the conclusion I think I came to it right away. I think I came to it right away realizing this is this is I'm making a choice and this is the most important thing making sure that he stays alive and and that he is in good control and that he doesn't have complications later. So I think hindsight does taint it. I don't regret anything I did and I wouldn't do it differently because you can't you do what you do when when it's going on and and I would do so much of it just like I did. Because you do have to you have to advocate for your child. And I did A lot of that. You know, you have to go to bat for them, you have to argue with the school you have to you have to the school nurse is either your ally or your enemy. And that can get that can get really touchy, too. I don't think I would do a whole lot different though. I think there's days when I think that I would. But what I would have done differently would have led to him leaving us sooner. So like if I just allowed him to do everything the way he wanted to do it, he would have been gone sooner.

Scott Benner 15:35
Okay. The technology back then. So Nolan's diagnosed in 2004. Is that right? Yes, that's two years before Arden was diagnosed. So our technology path is going to be very similar because there was no, there was no great leap from 2004 to 2000. No, it wasn't so you were get you probably had. I mean, maybe a pen if you were lucky. But needles and a small meter. That was all you're here.

Jen 15:59
Yeah. Right. Yeah. And started pumping though. Yeah, pretty soon.

Scott Benner 16:04
Okay. So your your, your focus is on trying to keep his blood sugar's stable, trying for him not to be too high or too low. Aiming for that a once every three months, it's pretty much feels like your only ability to understand how well you're doing. And that was right. The extent of it. Is that right?

Jen 16:24
Yeah, yeah, pretty much. Yeah.

Scott Benner 16:28
Was he having a lot of lows or highs? Do you recall?

Jen 16:32
He had a few lows. He didn't have a whole heck of a lot of lows. And his highs were like under 200. So he wasn't really he was really in good control. I think his first A once he was five something. And then he just slowly made a climb. Like I think the highest he had before he was 18 was in the sevens. Yeah. Okay. Um, you know, he was usually around six, okay, you know, six and a half, seven. And so he did really well, until he got older.

Scott Benner 17:04
And so through regular elementary school, middle school, he was doing fine. Did he start to ignore his diabetes at any point, as he got older,

Jen 17:17
middle school, he started he wanted to take it, take it into his own hands more. And I was told at the very beginning. As soon as he was diagnosed as you need to let him as his diabetes, you need to let him do his stuff. Okay, so I tried my hardest and that was excruciating. Because he would, you know, middle school, he, he just kind of got tired of it. I would say, Do you have your kit? Yes, I have my kit. Can I see it? No, I have my kids in my bag, or you put my bag mom. Okay, so I take him to school. And I get to work on the other side of town. And I get a phone call from the nurse that said no one forgot his kit. And there wasn't my card had fallen out of the bag. But this happens so often, like almost daily. And he would start to lie about his blood sugar's and, you know, 107 it's 109, you know, and finally realized that if he was gonna lie, he should give me a believable number. It's 210. You know, I mean, he, he just became really resistant to having diabetes. And he was tired of it. He didn't like it. But he also that's when mental illness starts showing up as well. And that's when he started showing a lot more signs of mental illness as well as middle school. And so he had we just behaviors and stuff like that, and he would get in trouble at school. And I mean, it just became a whole lot to deal with.

Scott Benner 18:46
Right? Were those mental illnesses ever diagnosed?

Jen 18:49
Yes, he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when he was oh, I want to say 18 He was diagnosed with ADHD at a young age, which we know now that a lot of ADHD in children shows up later as bipolar disorder. They're on the same spectrum. I didn't know that until recently, but so a lot of kids are misdiagnosed and medicated. And that's what happened to Nolan. I don't want to say he was misdiagnosed you can have a DD and bipolar disorder.

Scott Benner 19:21
Right. So he was being medicated for ADHD when he was younger. Yes. Yes. How does what can you remember the first time you thought something's really wrong? Like how does bipolar show itself the first time in your situation?

Jen 19:37
I think the first time I realized something was really wrong

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Jen 23:05
you know, I guess when he got kicked out of middle school, he got kicked out of middle school because he bought a marijuana joint from a kid in the bathroom. Now the kid has sold it to him get to stay in school. I'm not sure how that worked out. But being diabetic and being one of the only diabetic kids that is Middle School. And on top of that the only diabetic kid with with a 504. Is it a 504? I can't even remember now with a care plan. Yeah. And a mom that was involved. They were really happy to get rid of them. And I thought that but I thought no, Jen, you're just being paranoid. That's not why. But yeah, they're happy to get rid of the diabetic kid who they have to answer to the parents of. And that was a theme that kind of went went around like him and another kid would get in trouble and he was always the one that got in more trouble. What so he bought what he bought was a fake marijuana joint in the bathroom, oh, and middle school, but that's what happened and he got kicked out. So he went to alternative school and now alternative school they had, you know, trouble getting him to listen and the teachers really sat and talked to me and said, Look, you know, I'll ask him to do this sweep the floor. And I come back in an hour and he still hasn't done it like he's this is a problem. And that's when I really started realizing that there was some some issues with him. He seemed absolutely normal. But his functioning level was not he just compensated so well.

Scott Benner 24:36
So there was you didn't see the big swings it wasn't manic and then depressed. It didn't go back and forth like that.

Jen 24:43
Unfortunately you know, with high blood sugars, we get moody. And so I did see mood swings, but we didn't know Is it is it at first we thought it's diabetes stuff. It's diabetes stuff. and it is. And then we thought, well, it's bipolar stuff. And it also is. And there's just no way of knowing which one it's related to. Keeping him on the bipolar medications was, was hell, he didn't want to take them, they make you feel crappy. I would find them hidden. You know, they, they'd been in his mouth, they were hidden. I check his mouth, say, show me that you swallow. Like it was like jail. Right? And he just didn't like them and wasn't going to take then most people with bipolar disorder don't like the medications, because there aren't really very good medications for

Scott Benner 25:35
Yeah. And so this just persists on I mean, he wasn't really going to middle school anymore. Like alternative school doesn't sound like it's not it's not a public situation, right?

Jen 25:45
No, it's for kids that are kicked out of middle school for behavior stuff. So, you know, he got put in behavior classes when he was in high school, he went to regular high school. And the behavior classes were such that they were in the basement. When the regular kids walked by for lunch, the behavior kids were made to turn around and face the wall. It was it was not good. I'm not sure. He really didn't, he never thought he never had sold drugs in school. He, he just was a he was kind of a jerk. You know, he would giggle and not do what he was supposed to do. And he had fun when he was in school with other kids. So I think that he is, I always said he glowed in the dark, because of the diabetes, because of the involved parent. I remember going into the school and it was the first day of school, I had to go have my meeting with the nurse. And three or four different types of kids type one kids at the high school walked in and the nurse said, Okay, what is this your insulin? What do you How much do you take? And they're like, I don't know, how often do you check your blood sugar, like in the morning and at lunch? And she's like, okay, and you take how much she's like, they're like five units. And she's like, okay, and that was their plan. And I thought, that's crazy. You know, these parents aren't involved at all.

Scott Benner 27:14
Well, you have, obviously, intersecting issues that we're all coming together to share, I give you up. And then the bipolar comes, and even was ADHD early on. And then I imagine at some point, drug use ramps up.

Jen 27:29
Yeah. Then he started with drug use. And he started smoking marijuana, and taking pills from kids. And he did that for a few months and was just ridiculously tired of it. And I remember getting a text message him from him at my job. And it said, Mom, we need to get me help. real help. I can't keep doing this. I don't want to keep doing this. And I just cried. So I started trying to find him help. How old was he would have been about 16. I want to say 15. I'm sorry, he was about 15. And I was working at the hospital in a clinic. And I would spend every break time calling and calling P MCs which they're called P MCs. They're for kids with medical and substance abuse issues or behavior issues. And they they're all medical, the m&p MC is for MediCal. None of them would take him he had Iowa Medicaid. And I could not find a single place in Iowa to take him because of the diabetes. They said they were not equipped to deal with somebody with type. They weren't comfortable. They weren't equipped. They didn't have a nurse. Yeah,

Scott Benner 28:50
I've heard this a lot on the podcast when people are trying to get extra help for their kids that have you know, extenuating issues. And yeah, and then places are always like, well, we don't take kids with type one happens a lot.

Jen 29:03
And it's ridiculous. So I called the American diabetes Association. And I got an advocate who sent a letter and they got in touch with a social worker who was wanted to advocate for him. And we forced a couple of places to take him. And they would kick them out. They would find a reason to kick them out. One of them said, there was a bunch of kids that ran away. And no one opened the door to let them back in when they came back. And he mumbled something about why I want to run away or something and they sit up that's it. You're done. You're type one, if you run away, you'll die. It's a liability. And that's and they kicked him out. They made me come pick him up on Easter. And it was over in Fort Dodge. They I asked for his medical records because I was going to deal with the advocate on it. And they you know, told me my kid was not an angel and I said well, I didn't think you're safe. But thank you But I do think you should keep them in treatment facilities. You know, just it seems wrong and people have really a lot of trouble believing Oh, they won't say no. Because the diabetes? Yes, they absolutely 100%. Well, and that is a tragedy.

Scott Benner 30:19
Yeah. Well, where does that where does this all lead to? I mean, that that's a rehab. It's not. I mean, he's not getting you know what he needs from there. Obviously, they're, they're kicking him out of there. And now he's back on you. Are you married during this?

Jen 30:33
I, he's his dad and I divorced in 2009. So his dad is an alcoholic. And as that plays into a lot of his problems, his dad's an alcoholic with major mental illness. In fact, his father right now is missing. We don't know where he is. He was eluding the police about three days before Nolan passed away, and is jumped in and faked his own death. figures on suicide and now is hiding from the police. Wow, that's so that's that's it? Yeah. It's really an interesting twist. Drama,

Scott Benner 31:07
I'm not looking to go down his path. What kind of what kind of mental illness for him?

Jen 31:12
Well, I would say schizophrenia, but he's not diagnosed, but definitely bipolar. But he has a lot of paranoia. You know, he's just a really smart guy, very talented musician. Just really clocked out of his kids lives and was an abusive person. So Gotcha. Yeah. mentally abusive,

Scott Benner 31:35
right? Like that. So does Nolan's drug use like it? Because I'm thinking back to when he says to you, I can't do this. I don't want to do this. But but he was, I'm assuming self medicating, at that point. Trying to get around, eventually go back to it.

Jen 31:52
Yeah. Oh, yeah. He didn't ever stay sober for too long. You know, self esteem and all that kind of plays into into your choices. He really had trouble staying sober. And he got into, you know, he drinks sometimes it was never his drug of choice. But he did start using methamphetamines. Probably when he was about 17. We would take him to the hospital, I would find him. You know, I find him downstairs in DKA. We take him to the hospital. And after we'd have him in the hospital, in the ER, ICU, then we'd go to psych. And psych would be able to send him somewhere. Because what we wanted to do was find a place that would get long term treatment and maybe get him out of Sioux City. halfway house, that kind of stuff. But did so he would go to Cherokee, which was the mental institution and that's the one place that would always accept him. But it would happen the same way every time er, we'd start making the calls. We'd go to the ICU, we'd spend another couple of days making the calls. And eventually, Cherokee would always be the place that would take him. And so they take him up in the ambulance up there. Sometimes he would pull out his own IVs and try to walk out of the hospital and have to be stopped by the by the security there. But they always would take him and he turned 18 up there and Cherokee. We went all the family went up for his birthday party. We always kept in really good contact with him. His grandparents on both sides were very supportive. His brother and sister and I would always go up and visit and his dad tried to visit a few times. It's sometimes he wouldn't see his dad. So it just back and forth with Cherokee and finding different placements and and just in and out of treatments for the last seven years.

Scott Benner 34:04
Yeah, Jim, I try my hardest to just sort of stay dispassionate while I'm having these conversations. But Nolan had his 18th birthday party in a facility that almost made me cry for some reason. I mean, we've been talking for half an hour, nothing you've said has been like, you know, right. Not happy. Yeah. Yeah. And yet that got me. Yeah, really. He

Jen 34:27
went, he went from the pediatric unit to the adult unit on his 18th birthday. And we took pictures we they let us use a party room there. So we all drove up to Cherokee me grandma, grandpa, Indian grandma, grandpa for cello and and just all the family went up and his brother and sister and we were able to have this birthday party and it was just very bittersweet.

Scott Benner 34:54
Let me ask you a few questions about this from your perspective. So now, at this time, it's been a few years When he's 18, are you hopeful that this is going to get turned around? Or is this the thing you live in every day? That you're just like waiting for the other shoe to drop? Like, what's the what's the feeling in the back of your head? Oh, okay.

Jen 35:15
Yeah. Oh, like I think at that point, I had hope. But every time something else would happen, it was a shoe dropping, and there was always a shoe dropping so many shoes. And I think we, I always held out hope. But I always knew in my heart somehow, that no one was like, a gift that was on loan, if that makes sense. Ever since he was a little baby, I kind of knew that. And, you know, he started overdosing, he would be fine for a little while, and then there'd be an overdose. Or there'd be, you know, finding him comatose, calling the paramedics to come get him, he's having behaviors, big time, just breaking everything in the house. He just, and I had hope. But I saw him suffering so much. And that was the hardest part. It was to see somebody you love so much that you brought here, you know, that didn't ask for an invitation. And to see them suffer like that, to see him suffer with the diabetes ruined me. When he was diagnosed, I just, it was the worst thing that could have happened. And and I don't know why. Because it is not the worst thing that can happen. But it's pretty bad news. It's really hard for parents to go through that. Yeah, I took it really hard.

Scott Benner 36:45
Yeah. I can tell you that. I can tell no. Yeah. Talking about throwing yourself into it. How Oh, anything? It was.

Jen 36:54
It was it was everything. I just wanted it to go away. Because I think I think because, you know, we saw a little problems with him before when he was a kid. I think I thought just why him? Why not someone who can handle it better? Why not me? And I said, God, give it to me instead. And then God misheard me, he's had I said, as well. Why any hearing aid? I know. Anybody know,

Scott Benner 37:21
I just need to ask you just for context here. Do you have any mental health issues?

Jen 37:25
Um, I have ADD, and I have some depression. Um, so yeah, I those are mental health issues. Yeah. I think my doctor asked me if I was bipolar. A problem, I guess, mildly. I've always been really functional. But when I was a little kid in school that add was that wasn't a thing then. I mean, I'm 48 years old. We didn't have medicine for that. Really?

Scott Benner 37:52
There were just kids that didn't listen. Yeah,

Jen 37:55
there are lazy they like calling me lazy. I hate that word. Hate it.

Scott Benner 37:59
How about your other, you know, your other two kids? How are they?

Jen 38:03
So Patrick is I would say the perfect child or what they call the family hero. He has very few problems. He does struggle with depression. But he does seek help for it when he needs to. He's really ideal in the sense that he's been very self sufficient. He's very caring and kind, very funny. Just very healthy and forward moving now. He no one was his best friend. He lost his best friend. But he's really pushing to do some things now in life that he might have had on hold. So he's I you know, I don't think anyone in my family is 100% healthy, but Patrick's pretty good. Lemon. My 13 year old. She's wonderful. I think she's just an amazing kid. Two, she's learning to play guitar. She working on a feminist fanzine that she's doing. She's just really a cool kid. She does struggle with all the trauma that she's seen in her life with her brother. And the dynamic between her brother and I, I think it's got to be so hard for both of them to go through because with the drug addiction, there was just a lot of anger and and unhappiness and so many tears and so much trauma. And with the diabetes, and both of us being diabetic and moody, just you know, Nolan and I were a lot of like, in some ways. I always say he got the worst of me and his dad and then it was amplified. But he's really, you know, I think they I think both of my other kids are are very fortunate to be very bright and very aware of their own situations

Scott Benner 39:57
or their other autoimmune 's with any buddies, celiac thyroid anything.

Jen 40:03
So I would say that Patrick, who will not go to a doctor about it has possibly got like, IBS, celiac or something. He does have some stomach problems. But no, nobody's been diagnosed yet.

Scott Benner 40:17
Okay. How about your exes side of the family? Do you have any knowledge of them?

Jen 40:22
They don't have any and I'm close with the family. They don't really have any autoimmune. You know, they've got cancer in their family, but no and heart problems, but no autoimmune.

Scott Benner 40:31
Okay. So I'm gonna kind of fast forward a little bit now, because I'm assuming that from 1819 2021, it's just probably story after story of hard times, and craziness and stuff like that. Yeah. Are you? Absolutely. How did you take care of yourself during that time?

Jen 40:51
Well, that's a really good question. In all honesty, I don't think I did. I stressed a lot, I worried constantly, I wasn't sleeping. One night, I had thought, well, I can't sleep. This is so stressful when we have a glass of wine. And so I started drinking wine to go to sleep. And it didn't take very long until I was a full blown alcoholic, I could not stop. I checked myself into the hospital, in a what I like to call a bold career move, because I live in a very small town. And I went to treatment, so that I could stop drinking, and I haven't drank since that was three, almost three years. Good for you that I'll go. Yeah. But I if I didn't believe that addiction is an illness, I would be ashamed. But I wish I hadn't taken that first drink. You know, I didn't drink at all before that for many years. But it just it got me. Yeah.

Scott Benner 41:58
You were. I mean, was there a moment when you like, Did you see the juxtaposition? Did you say, Well, I'm medicating myself, the way that no one is?

Jen 42:08
Yeah, yeah. I said, I saw it right away. I saw it right away. But I couldn't stop. I went to meetings, AAA meetings and got my 24 hour chip, probably 24 times. You know, I wasn't able to physically stop I was having withdrawals and all of that and it was, life had become so stressful. that I had, just I guess I kind of threw myself into drinking. And I kind of had given up.

Scott Benner 42:45
Okay, yeah, I was gonna say at what point during all this to just go Alright, Everybody get in the garage. Let's start the car and go to sleep. Like gig. Yeah, seriously? Yeah.

Jen 42:55
Yeah, I felt like it not with the other two kids. But honestly, I had ideas of, you know, I felt so no one. He doesn't fit anywhere in this world. There's no help for him. I can't help him. Nobody seems to care. He doesn't, you know, he just can't get the help that he needs. He doesn't belong on this planet. And I'm just gonna take him with me. I had thoughts like that. And that's terrible. It's terrible. But I didn't want him to go alone.

Scott Benner 43:21
I can understand. I mean, what your Yeah, it's not what Listen, my kids got type one diabetes, and you know, thyroid. And you know, last night, for example, her toes got numb, which seems to be happening out of nowhere. And you know, like, there are things like that, that you think, well, these things suck. But we're gonna get through life, like, reasonably well, pretty great. But at what point what point does someone just pile one too many pebbles on the pile? It's on your head. And you just think I can't I just can't like it. Yeah. Not only that, you can't shoulder it. But that, that none of the things about life that make life pleasurable, exist anymore, because you have diabetes, you're depressed, you're drinking, he's doing drugs. He's got diabetes, he's bipolar. There's no second in the day that I can imagine for you where you were just like, you know, Leave It to Beaver. Like none of that existed. Oh, no. Yeah. Right.

Jen 44:15
I mean, I still make dinners for him. I still did like a lot of mom's stuff. But I clocked out, and for about about 18 months, I clocked out and then, you know, a clock back in and I knew that things wouldn't be perfect when I clock back in. You know, there were times when, when I would be so drunk that Nolan would pick me up and carry me to bed up the stairs. And I just thought that was so funny at the time. All isn't it funny? And it wasn't funny. I mean, it's really sad. But we also had that mutual love for each other that we cared for each other so much that, you know, he wanted to take care of me too. And when I wasn't drinking, he couldn't take care of me. And that caused some sadness for him. But it got to a point. I said spent so much of no one's life, so afraid of him dying, just petrified that he's dying. And then one day, I realized that now more than being afraid of him dying, I was afraid of doing this when I'm 80

Scott Benner 45:18
I see this, and that was a big deal. It's never gonna stop.

Jen 45:22
And I became more afraid of of that than him dying. Because I knew he was unhappy. I knew that I was unhappy, I knew that my other two kids were suffering. And it was becoming a burden on everybody around us. Because with drug addiction comes so much manipulation, and so much pain for the people. Like my mother could never say no to him for anything. You know, and, and because she loved him. And he would manipulate and cause harm. You know, he would take things from people sell them for drug money. What drug addicts do?

Scott Benner 46:02
Yeah. Are you saying I'm gonna, this might be ham fisted for a second, I gotta get through this thought. But are you saying that at some point? It it mimics I don't know, like someone being born with so many birth defects or so many medical issues that you think to yourself like, this is not this person's not equipped to live life even. And if you start thinking about that idea of like, maybe this is just a failed experiment, and it's not fair to them to be in this situation.

Jen 46:35
I think after I picked him up out of comas, so many times and Ted go to the hospital and psych Yeah, absolutely. And he had said to me himself, you know, I, I had complained a lot about it, like no one, this is hurting me so much to see you in the state that I see you in almost dead, like the time before he died that he went to the hospital, his body temperature was 87. That's dead, but he lived through it. And the doctor told me he's gonna have really bad brain damage and damage if it wasn't fine. Like he was fine, except for. He wasn't fine. But he probably lost some impulse control. But he didn't, you know, they said he was going to be a vegetable. And I'd said, Well, we're not going to keep him around as a vegetable. That's not what he wants or what anyone wants. But yeah, you're you're right. It was like it felt like that. Yeah. You know, now that you say that it felt it felt a lot like that. This is that I was doing more harm by keeping him around. And he even told me, Mom, stop saving me. Maybe it's my time to be an angel. And I thought

Scott Benner 47:41
he could that he could think that is one thing, but for you to hear it and to think, well, he might be right. That's another that's another thing like, like his, his existence felt cruel to him.

Jen 47:54
It did. Yeah, it did. Okay. I mean, the the existence with diabetes is cruel. The existence with diabetes and bipolar disorder with schizoid, fast, effective traits. That's mean. No, that's not. That's terrible.

Scott Benner 48:11
And then in that situation, the drugs are inevitable, actually, I mean, I've spoken Absolutely. I've spoken to enough people have have Bipolar to know that the drugs are are inevitable after that. So yeah. And you describe something that I don't want to skip over. And I also don't want to make you dig through it too deeply. Because it sounds painful. But the one thing I think maybe we're not talking about is that being lost on drugs doesn't exactly set you up for taking care of your blood sugar as well. So no, right. So not only is he kind of obliterated on what was the drug of choice by the end, methamphetamines. Okay. Not only is that happening, but on top of that wildly out of control blood sugars.

Jen 48:53
Oh, yeah. He became septic, probably five times and had to go to the hospital in the last year of his life. He tested positive, you know, he tested his blood sugar was in the 1500s. When they had him in the ICU, one of the times it took him three days to get it down. Below 700 I feel like it was ridiculous. He had sepsis, which is deadly. He had tested positive for tuberculosis. Like the kid made it through so much. It was done his body just the havoc that that wreaked on his body. You know, it was poor body and he I just looked at him and I think what a beautiful kid he was, and all the things that were going on inside of it the brain and and his body.

Scott Benner 49:50
If I give you a magic wand, you can lift away one of his troubles. I'm guessing it's the mental illness stuff, right?

Jen 49:58
And it's funny you say that because when he was cared, it was always the diabetes I'd take care of, it's always the diabetes, that I would take away. But once the drug addiction started, it was definitely the mental illness I would take away because that would help that would have that would have made it easy to recover from drugs easier to recover from drug addiction.

Scott Benner 50:18
This is uh, maybe, uh, maybe this questions, not clear, but or maybe it is, but if you take the bipolar away, do you think he was still an addict? Or do you think the drugs were a function of the bipolar?

Jen 50:31
I think the drugs were a function of the bipolar, okay, for sure. I don't think you would have tried the drugs at all, he was so impulsive as a kid. You know, if someone said This feels good, he would have tried it. And he was always that way. very impulsive.

Scott Benner 50:47
Gotcha. Okay, so anyway, geez, Jeff, give me a second. I don't know how you're living through it. Because it's, it's on top of me now. Oh, no, no, I'm okay. I don't want you to worry about me. It's just, I'm just listening very intently to what you're saying. And I'm thinking ahead and trying to imagine things. And it's a lot all at once. Yeah. So when do I know? When do I see you? Like, pop up in the Facebook page? Like, what? What got you there? Like, what made you find? Did you find the podcast first or the Facebook page? First,

Jen 51:26
I saw on the Facebook page first. And I think out of all the Facebook pages that I belong to for the for diabetes, this was the one that was that was good that had that was more real to me. And I posted something about Has anyone else ever struggled with Max meth addiction? I was reaching out this was the last time that he was in the hospital, Biddle. Um, was it maybe it was when he was in treatment, and he went to the hospital in Champaign, when he lived in Champaign, Illinois, and he was in treatment there. I had just said, you know, my son's in the hospital, he's has anybody else ever struggled with the meth addiction? What do you do? You know, what is this, you know, just reaching out. And the response that I got from people was one, so supportive, and to so much response, and I was just, I was shocked. Because most people kind of ignore that kind of thing. Most, especially parents with diabetes, they don't want to, they don't want to hear it. And they don't want to see that that could happen. They just, it's, it's too much to think about for sure. And that's something I thought about, I don't want to worry, parents of new diabetics by any means.

Scott Benner 52:40
That's my for you, I listen, I often have this thought, while I'm making the podcast and seeing all these people's lives virtually, that, you know, people, you know, babies are born every second, there's just countless numbers of them. And they're all going to go in slightly similar in slightly different directions. And some kids are gonna end up being alcoholics, and some kids are going to end up not and some kids are going to end up on drugs. And some kids aren't some kids are going to be incredibly kind. And some people are going to be mean and like blah, blah, blah, blah, right? And right. And we knew you have this idea when you're when your kids are younger, and they get diabetes, like oh, this is the thing they're going to be except those people still end up being alcoholics, drug addicts, nice people, etc. You don't you don't think of that when they're eight. And I'm, you know, I can hear when you're talking about Nolan even. I feel like you picture him sometimes. Like he's six, seven years old, when he's just nothing but possibilities.

Jen 53:38
Yeah, yeah. And I saw that throughout his life, I still till the till the day he died. Well, maybe a couple of weeks before I stopped, kind of, but he was doing so poorly. But I still had fleeting moments till the day he died of feeling. Hope for him. Yeah. And you know what a smart guy he is and what he could do, you know, he, he was very smart. And he was such a talented drummer and an artist, and just all of these things. And I thought, you know, he had just gotten a tattoo gun for his birthday. His grandma said, that's what he wants. Should I get it for him? And I said, Who cares? At this point in his life, getting whatever makes him happy.

Scott Benner 54:24
All right, in this rocket right into the ground. Great. Yeah, let's go for it. Right.

Jen 54:27
Yeah, basically, yeah. And he wanted to tattoo me and I was actually going to let him after he, you know, showed that he could do a tattoo on himself. And so he did a tattoo on himself, which he had done when he was younger anyway, with the kid made a tattoo gun out of a remote control car motor, like he was 10 or 11. When he did that he just was smart, but the deviant and because who wants to kid detect?

Scott Benner 54:54
What a weird, weird parenting moment my child has fashioned another device out of a device except pig likes to draw a picture of Scooby Doo on himself. So now I'm not sure, exactly.

Jen 55:04
Well, you know, he tried to he tried to tattoo the word love on his arm. But I confiscated his gun. So he only had the first two letters. So it said l o. So I called it his British tattoo, I'd say hello. He got so mad.

Scott Benner 55:20
So, so back to where you're at in that Facebook group, like you come in, you asked that question, what I saw, and I can't see the whole group, like, it's too big for me to, like, stay on top of but what I saw was a lot of just support for you. I don't think people had a lot of practical advice, but they were there was a ton of kindness

Jen 55:41
to absolute so much kindness. Yeah. Was how much time was

Scott Benner 55:45
that actually helpful for you are?

Jen 55:47
Absolutely, absolutely. And a lot of people saying yes, my sister's a drug addict, or this and that and just talking about people who had addiction in their family, it just opens up the conversation for people. And it's so liberating. Because you don't go around, you know, everyone's got that bumper sticker that says, you know, my son's an honor roll student, you don't say, hey, my son got into a really good treatment facility. I would, I would, but but they don't make that bumper sticker. But shouldn't they? Yeah,

Scott Benner 56:18
my son handles math fine. Just yeah, no way to do that. So so he gets put into treatment around the time you're on the Facebook group, and then gets out. And then it happens again, am I remembering that right?

Jen 56:32
Yeah, he came back to Sioux City. And he relapsed pretty quickly. And then he had, I want to say two or three more stents in the hospital.

Scott Benner 56:44
And he made these related stuff.

Jen 56:46
It was always for diabetes. But it was always because so what would happen when he would do the math and he would be up on meth for several days, and then he would go to sleep and people on meth sleep for several days at a time? Well, unfortunately, Nolan doesn't have several days to sleep because he needs to take insulin. So many times, I would kind of try to follow his pattern, I would go to where he was, I would give him insulin, I would find his insulin and give it to him. And, and that was another thing is insulin was never kept in a good way. You never knew if it was expired or what you know what you were, you'd give him whatever, right. And sometimes he would fight you and if he was going to punch me, I wouldn't do it. You know, I would say okay, we're gonna go I, I love you goodbye. But I would try pretty hard to get his insulin. And it's a miracle that he lived through that as many times as he did. So he would wake up and take insulin and you know, his sugar would come down and he'd be fine for a week or two. And then you'd start up again. So this pattern is hard to follow the pattern because it changed.

Scott Benner 57:57
Testing. Give me a testing.

Jen 57:59
Yep. Testing.

Scott Benner 58:00
Okay, sorry. So you were trying to chart you were trying to find a pattern you and you couldn't. So when you went and visited? Yeah. You were visiting him like in like, where he was held up using it, wasn't it? Was he even living on his own? Or was he bouncing around or

Jen 58:14
he was homeless for a while. And then he on his birthday? September 16, my mom let him move back in. He was already kind of staying. He would go there to shower during the day and stay for a really long time. And she would make him leave at night. There was our you know, we were trying to do the tough love, like you can't do drugs and stay here. But she just couldn't. And I'm glad because he died at home and not on a street corner at my mom's house. And yeah, so and I had been I was in Des Moines, so I was two and a half hours away. And then on the way home. I got a call from Patrick. And Patrick said, Nolan is cold. And he's not I don't think he's breathing. And I said, Okay, call 911. And I had just left the morning and had two and a half hours to travel. And I called Dennis who was driving in front of me my fiancee and told him what happened. I said, I think no one's gone. And this is something we just were, it was a matter of time, because he had just been in the hospital weeks before that we just knew. And you know, I hung up the phone and then I panicked and lost it and started crying. My youngest was with me and she started crying. And we were just kind of panicking all the way home. And then we got home and he was gone. The paramedics come and pronounced him dead. My mom lost her mind and you know, it just it was it was a big family and then we just kind of sat around and told stories about him and It felt peaceful.

Scott Benner 1:00:02
Can I? You You said you knew this was gonna happen. I remember you being on line once and saying that he was in a rehab, but they kicked him out or something and you were like he's going to die like you were you were positive like a week before this happened that it was going to

Jen 1:00:18
yes, this was this. This was not in rehab this that was in the coffee psych facility in the hospital, and he was supposed to go to inpatient treatment. And they had had him signed up to go to inpatient treatment, all the doctors, and I'm looking through the doctor's notes and everything, everything says inpatient treatment. Well, the very last day, the nurse practitioner who has done this before, several times, let him go. And I called, I heard that they were gonna let him go. Because he called and said, Can you pick me up? And I'm like, hang on, let me make some calls. So I called and I talked to Sarah, the social worker, and I say, Tara, she can't let him go. He's gonna die. He almost died. The last time he did she know, he almost died. And she said, Yeah. And I said, Does she know that he's going to die if she lets him go? And she was quiet for a second? And then she said, Yes. And I just lost it. I couldn't, you know, and then we picked him up. And I picked him up and took him to my mom's we talked to her, they decided he couldn't stay there if he was going to use and he said, he's, you know, he wouldn't stay there. And he was homeless for a couple of weeks. And that's, and then he came back to my mom's he was at my mom's for another. He was I suppose he was homeless for a week. And he came back to my mom for two weeks, and then that's when he died.

Scott Benner 1:01:49
Well, I'm very sorry that any of this happened.

Jen 1:01:52
Thank you. Me too. Of course.

Scott Benner 1:01:54
Can I ask you? Was there any sense of like, relief? That's might be the wrong piece?

Jen 1:02:01
Or no, yeah. It's not a wrong word. Yeah, there was lots of sense of relief with it. I mean, because he wasn't suffering anymore. You know, we had our first holidays. And not only, I mean, I missed him so much. And it was hard, and it was sad. But when you have a drug addict, the holidays are not good times. Because you're constantly worrying about what is what are they going to do? What are they going to show up and have a problem with? How are they going to, you know, he would become very, his sugar would get really high, and he would be extremely moody and mean, and yell and verbally abusive, and just these things that would just very upset me so much, even though I knew that it wasn't coming from his heart. It's just upsetting. And so there's been relief. But then there's been the extreme sadness, and then the the sadness for what his life should have been. Yeah. Came right. You know, I hate to say should because that's presumptuous. But I what, what it could have been or what, you know, why did he have such a hard time? Yeah. You know, and all these other kids get to have nothing physically wrong with them. You know, all kids with diabetes have such a hard time.

Scott Benner 1:03:19
Yeah. But then once it starts to, when all this other stuff on top of it, though. Oh, yeah,

Jen 1:03:25
absolutely. Absolutely. Is that fair? And I don't think life is supposed to be fair. I'm not. I'm not one of those people. But I mean, nice was a little more fair.

Scott Benner 1:03:38
A little more fair would be okay. Yeah. How long has he been gone now?

Jen 1:03:43
So he died on October 3 2021. So it'll be six months coming up soon here. It seems like longer. And so also, it seems like yesterday, too, sometimes.

Scott Benner 1:03:54
So has this. I've so I still barely don't want to ask you these questions. But you can. It's pretty open, has his passing made your other kids lives easier in some ways, and harder in some ways.

Jen 1:04:09
It's hard for them because they lost their brother and their friend. But it opened doors for sure. One, I've gotten to know them a little more now. So they kind of get their mom back, which is nice. We're learning to know each other a little bit now. Patrick is going to go to college now. He's never gone left town or anything like that, because he's wanted to stay home in case something happened with his brother. That was never asked of him. But it's just what you do for family. So yeah, some doors are opened and I think that Nolan would have been very, very happy to open those doors.

Scott Benner 1:04:52
Was he aware of the impediment that he was on other people's lives?

Jen 1:04:58
I think so. And he was definitely aware of how much he impacted my life. And he would say, don't do those things for me. He wanted independence, he wanted that. But we knew what would happen if he had it. And it did, you know, the more I pulled back, the more sick he got, and I but, but pushing more and taking more control would have made his quality of life so poor. Because what 24 year old wants to be taken care of by their mother,

Scott Benner 1:05:37
I think you're in a completely Listen, my understanding of all this is is, you know, obviously not yours. But I've now interviewed two people who have who are bipolar. And now have this conversation with you about your son. There's an after dark episode, I think it's back in the three hundreds, it's just called after dark bipolar. And it's okay. It's with a young man who has type one and bipolar. And I'm telling you that if his experience was even anything like your sons, I don't understand how you're supposed to. I don't understand how you're supposed to win. You know, so I couldn't see a path through it. When I spoke to him. I don't see a path to it. While I'm speaking to you. I think that you're either. I mean, I'm trying to figure out why you seem so okay. Right now. Or, I mean, how is

Jen 1:06:29
it? I think, I think that I'm okay. I guess, I guess it's who I am deep down. Like I said to the lady doing my eye exam, she had known me and known about my son and said she was sorry. And I said, you know, I got it late. Think of it this way, I have two amazing children living and I got 24 years was an amazing, brilliant human who taught me a lot. And I have to think of it that way. Because there's no any other way is very negative. And really, and don't get me wrong, there are times when all I am is a bundle of tears, and I just hate everybody around me. And I have to curl up in a ball and go cry by myself and write sad stories and just feel incredibly sorry for myself and miss my son. I have to do that sometimes. But then there's other days where I wake up, and I feel that way. And I I let myself do it for half an hour. And then I have to move on with the day. I do some yoga, I'll do some, you know, make some coffee and just read or meditate and then just go to work. Whatever. I I guess I speak about it, frankly, because it is Frank. It's It's It's facts. And missing tremendously most of the time, but I still feel him here. If that makes sense. It does.

Scott Benner 1:07:58
When you close your eyes and you think of him. Is he at a certain age?

Jen 1:08:03
Yeah, I think them at about 2021. Okay. Yeah, I think of him about 21. I mean, I miss him as a little boy, but I think of him is perpetually about 21 With just a little bit of scruffy facial hair, messy hair, making some dumb joke driving around with the dog in his car. You know, his best friend was that dog Tommy and he I'd be driving home from work and I'd see him pass me on the road, the dog sitting in the passenger seat like a girlfriend. It was just the cutest thing in the world. So

Scott Benner 1:08:40
was he able to have any personal relationships.

Jen 1:08:44
He had girlfriends. And he had a lot of long term friends a lot more friends than I knew about because his funeral is packed full of kids. He did have friendships and he had some girlfriends, but towards the end, I think the addiction and he even said Who wants to go out with a drug addict? You know? And I said, Well, yeah, I always hoped you'd find a girlfriend that would be like a nurse and want to take care of him. But I didn't I wouldn't want to do that to her either. Right? Because it's too hard.

Scott Benner 1:09:17
Do you think? How, how prevalent Do you think that the drug problem is in your area? In general? Oh, it's

Jen 1:09:26
huge. It's huge. There's a lot of it here. So cities, especially with methamphetamines, it's really big. And alcoholism is huge here too. It's kind of you know, it's a conservative conservative area of Iowa where there's a lot of very poor people. And then there's your middle class and then there's a lot of very wealthy people. The poor and the wealthy are make up a huge portion of the population. And it's anytime you have those economic issues you have people that are doing? I mean, some people use methamphetamine so they can work three jobs. And they do it for years.

Scott Benner 1:10:07
Wow. Yeah. And not to make a ton of money just to keep going.

Jen 1:10:11
Oh, yeah, just pay the bills. Right.

Scott Benner 1:10:12
It's sad. No kidding. It's sad. Jen, is there anything that I haven't asked you about that you wish we would have talked about?

Jen 1:10:21
I don't think so. I think you did a really good job asking good questions.

Scott Benner 1:10:25
Thank you. I've been looking forward in an odd way to talking to you for a while. Me too. Yeah, I just know that. As the as the day gets closer and closer, and I see your name coming closer to me on the on the calendar. I just I don't want to do a bad job is how I started thinking as it gets closer. Oh,

Jen 1:10:45
you do? Wonderful. You did great. I made me feel good. And no judgment. And I really liked that. And the stuff you said to me before, too, about this is real. This is real stuff. And you don't want to sugarcoat things like that. No pun intended.

Scott Benner 1:10:59
Yeah, I just think that, um, I mean, listen, I whoever would hear Nolan's story, and judge him. I mean, has no, no, no idea about health or, you know, like, it's just, there's only so many things that can get attached to you in the course of a lifetime, then they're gonna drag you down. Point. Like, I mean, yeah, they're not like, you know what I mean? Like, it's, yeah, mental illness is still completely misunderstood by some people. This this poor kid was, he was just taking the past that were available to him. And yeah, none of them are good. No, you know, it's not that there was a good path available, and he just decided not to take it. I just don't think his options were in any way going to lead them to where anybody would hope for him to go. Yeah,

Jen 1:11:47
I agree. Yeah.

Scott Benner 1:11:48
I'm glad you said that. No, it's sucks. But I mean, it does.

Jen 1:11:53
Get 24 good years,

Scott Benner 1:11:55
ya know, and I'm really impressed with your excuse me. I'm really impressed with your ability to, to focus on the good stuff. Thank you. Yeah, no, it's really wonderful. I want to wish you a ton of success. And are you taking care of yourself now? How's your time? I am. Yeah,

Jen 1:12:14
I am. Yes. I just passed my written out but the tests with no retinopathy so I'm, I'm happy with that. Because I'm old. And yeah, yeah, I'm doing I'm doing good. I finally got myself to You know, I'm on the league right now. And and I'm taking a lot better care of myself now, too. So, in honor Nolan, we always say that everything goofy that we do. We say it's an honor and all and and everything, you know, but there's a lot of things I do in honor of him too. So

Scott Benner 1:12:41
listen, I we didn't talk about him at all. But the bravest person that story is the guy that's dating you.

Jen 1:12:47
Yeah, I know. Tell me about it. He's He's a lucky guy. Dennis is a really good person. You know, he has a good you know, his dad was a type one. So he has a lot of understanding of that to

Scott Benner 1:12:59
really well, I'm glad you found. I'm really happy. Like it made me happy to think that you that you have somebody. Yeah,

Jen 1:13:05
you're the second person to say that today. So yeah, you're right. It makes me happy too.

Scott Benner 1:13:10
Yeah. I mean, you've been through a lot too. You deserve it. And sort of your children, I hope I hope Patrick goes off and, and builds a big life for himself. And I think lemon sounds like she has enough time to kind of process all this and, and find her own way. So

Jen 1:13:27
he's doing good.

Scott Benner 1:13:28
I'm glad for you.

Unknown Speaker 1:13:29
I thank you so much, of course.

Scott Benner 1:13:40
Once again, a big thanks to Jen for coming on the show and sharing Nolan's story. I also like to thank touched by type one.org. And remind you to head over there and check them out. And the Contour Next One blood glucose meter, which you can learn more about it contour next one.com forward slash juicebox. There's also links in the show notes of your podcast player, and links at juicebox podcast.com. To these and all the sponsors, head over to t one D exchange.org. Forward slash juice box and take that survey. And if you're interested in more after dark episodes, I can tell you about them. Let me wait The music's just wait one second.

There are so many more episodes in the afterdark series. Couple of ways. You can find them either at juicebox podcast.com, scroll down, you'll see them there. Or you can go to the private Facebook group Juicebox Podcast, type one diabetes, go to the top of the page, the page or the top of the page, click on the featured tab. There's some featured posts there. One of them says Juicebox Podcast series. And there's a whole bunch of lists a whole bunch of lists. There's lists of lists. No seriously, there's these really great little graphics that break down different series. For example, there's some special episodes. There's the Pro Tip series, the quickstart guide how we eat diabetes variables. Scott and Jenny episodes, how to Bolus for fat and protein. And right now, there's so many great lists here. Oh, there's a whole series about pregnancy, thyroid, and then after dark, this is a episode. What do we say at the beginning? 677? No 678 of the podcast, but it might be like, oh, gosh, let me I can read them to you. First afterdark was it episode 274 is about drinking to 83 was about weed 305 trauma and addiction. 319 was sex with type one from a female perspective. 336 was depression and self harm. 365 was sex with type one from a male's perspective 372 divorced and co parenting 380 For bipolar 393 bulimia and depression 399 heroin addiction for 22 is called afterdark Ami. 450 psychedelics for 62 Sexual Assault PTSD for 72 living with bipolar five await adult child of divorce 531 diabetes Complications 545 Eating Disorder 558 life struggles 577 50 years 585 ADHD cocaine and abandonment. These are the titles 606 childhood trauma 618 sex worker 627 Male disordered eating 651 recovery and today of course 678 Nolan story. Check them out. I think they're some of the more brave episodes of the podcast. Thank you so much for listening. I'll be back very soon with another episode of The Juicebox Podcast.